Transcript of "Corporate Shit"
Original Prank call by Blackout
Transcribed/Optimized for HTML by Bob Proverb, Jr.
Characters:
Gladys Ridgeford (Blackout)
Victims:
Esther (operator 1)
Matthew (operator 2)
The Supervisor (male)
(phone rings twice...)
(sound of phone picking up)
Esther: This is Esther, may I help you?
Gladys: Hello?
Esther: Hi.
Gladys: Yes, I was watching my television, um, and I've seen the commercial for the get-rich-quick...thing, and I, I was interested...in it.
Esther: All right, may I have your zip code, please?
Gladys: Oh...um, my husband's zipper is in the closet right now, I don't know, uh, the size.
Esther: His ZIP CODE.
Gladys: Oh, the zip code!
Esther: Right.
Gladys: Oh, it's ah...three-three-three...one-five.
Esther: Three-three-three-one-five?
Gladys (to the background): Yeah, I'm on the phone with a honey now, hold on.
Gladys: Hello?
Esther: Okay, thank you for calling for "Creating Wealth..."
Gladys: Thank you?...You're welcome.
Esther: 'k, with "Creating Wealth with Brad Richdale"? Is that the one that you want to order?
Gladys: "Creating wealth..."
Esther: Mm hmm.
Gladys: Um, with Brad Richdale...
Esther: Yes ma'am...
Gladys: ...he's a wonderful--Have you ever heard him speak?
Esther: No, ma'am.
Gladys: He's very motivational. My German shepherd and I watch him on the television, it's a wonderful program.
Esther: Great. May I place your order, ma'am?
Gladys: Uh, yes...
Esther: 'k, may I have your first name?
Gladys: Well, I wanted to know, because on the show they say that if it doesn't, uh, go correctly within the thirty days, that he will fly down to your home and help you with it, is this--is this true?
Esther: I'm sure you have a thirty-day money back guarantee...less shipping and handling on...
Gladys: I was going to fly to Jamaica with the money that I make, with my dog.
Esther: Mm hmm.
Gladys: And we're gonna go to Jamaica where all the, uh, the-the-the large... the large black men are, if you know what I'm saying...but um, I--I was very interested.
Esther: Okay, did you want to place an order at this time for the "Creating Wealth with Brad Richdale"?
Gladys: I--I..wa...Brad Richdale is an incredible speaker. Do you--Do you ever listen to him?
Esther: Ah, no ma'am, I sure haven't.
Gladys: So how do you sell the--the products, then? Don't you stand behind the things that you sell?
Esther: 'k, we're a national tele-services company for thousands of different companies...
Gladys: Oh my God, Jesus Lord! You're speaking so quickly, dear.
Esther: I'm sorry.
Gladys: My ears are, are filled with crustaceans, you'll have to slow a little bit for me.
Esther: 'k, we're a national tele-services company for many different companies, ma'am. "Creating Wealth with Brad Richdale" is one of their products that we process orders for...
Gladys: Oh, so you're huge...you're a huge company.
Esther: Correct.
Gladys: So you followed his program, and so you've got lots of money, now. That's wonderful. It's good to know that it's all re...very reliable.
Gladys (to the background): I'm on the phone with them now. Mmm hmm.
Esther: One moment please...
(phone rings briefly...)
Matthew: This is Matthew, may I help you?
Gladys: Hello...I had just called, um, I was going to p-purchase the "Thirty Days to, uh, Money", with Rad Richdale...
Matthew: Mmm hmm.
Gladys: And I had a very rude woman who was on the phone with me. I don't know her name, but she was making fun of my dog.
Matthew: Would you like to talk to the supervisor?
Gladys: Yes, please.
Matthew: One moment, please.
(sound of line switching...)
Gladys: Hello?
Supervisor: (very loud, piercing voice): Yes, ma'am.
Gladys: Oh, God, you're loud! Hold on.
Supervisor: Oh, I'm sorry.
Gladys: Holy Jesus Lord, hold on.
Supervisor: Lemme turn my phone down over here, ma'am.
Gladys: Oh, turn it the hell down. Ooh.
Supervisor: I'm so sorry about that.
Gladys: I am...my ears...the wax is cleared from them. Oof.
Supervisor: I'm so sorry.
Gladys: I...
Supervisor: How may I help you this morning?
Gladys: I had called, um, to speak about, uh, the "Thirty Days to--to--to Money...Success..."
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am.
Gladys: ...with Rich...Richwald?
Supervisor: Uh, Richdale, yes ma'am.
Gladys: Richdough. That's a funny name, Richdough. If you think about it...rich...dough...
Supervisor: No, it's RichDALE.
Gladys: Oh, Richdale!
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am. (chuckles)
Gladys: No wonder! I'm...my...d...ooh, Jesus Lord. Uh, and some woman, wh...my dog started barking. I have a wonderful German shepherd.
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am.
Gladys: He's beautiful. Do you have a dog?
Supervisor: No, ma'am, no.
Gladys: Oh...you poor dear.
Supervisor (chuckles)
Gladys: But, uh, I was gonna order this, uh, but she started yelling at, uh, me to shut my dog up! To just, uh, you know, I--I don't know why, uh, she would say something like that.
Supervisor: Did you place an order with this service, ma'am?
Gladys: I w...I was going to, I had called about that, I was..I wasn't sure about...I was asking her a few questions of--of it, before I placed the order, you know, it's a bit of money to--to just put on my Visa Gold without knowing.
Supervisor: Right. Well...
Gladys: Oh!
Supervisor: Since you didn't place an order I'm not going to have much luck in knowing exactly who it was, however...
Gladys: Hoh!
Supervisor: However, did...now you did mention this was a female?
Gladys: Yes.
Supervisor: Did you happen to get the name of the representative?
Gladys: No, she would not give it to me. I asked her for her name, and she was just screaming and yelling. And hollering at my dog.
Supervisor: Well I tell you what, ma'am, on behalf of this service I want to humbly apologize to you for the service that you've received tonight.
Gladys: I mean, she was a real ring-dinger.
Supervisor: Well I, I tell you ma'am, we do not ask...we do not train our representatives here, nor are they pros.
Gladys: You don't train them?
Supervisor: No no no, what I'm saying is that...
Gladys: Then you just put on these people on the phone who don't know what in the hell they're doing?
Supervisor: No, ma'am, no. What I'm saying is that we do not train or verse our representatives to treat...
Gladys: She obviously wasn't potty trained, at all.
Supervisor: M-kay...
Gladys: She was not trained.
Supervisor: B--but we don't...we don't train our reps to treat callers in that manner. We--we don't...we do not verse them nor train them to treat callers in that manner.
Gladys: To treat them in proper, eh, proper respect is all, you know, I would, uh, expect from something like that.
Supervisor: We treat all of our callers h--here with the utmost amount of courtesy and respect.
Gladys: And then when I called back for the man to speak to you...
Supervisor: Yes.
Gladys: ...He was mean at me and was cursing at me.
Supervisor: 'kay. Did you wish to place an order this morning, ma'am?
Gladys: I--I wanted to order the Rich...the oh, I...what's the name? I forget it...
Supervisor: Richdale. Brad...Brad Richdale.
Gladys: Richdough.
Supervisor: Mm hmm.
Gladys: Yes. And it was "Thirty Days to Making Money"...
Supervisor: Uhh...it...
Gladys: And I am all out of it. I need to make some.
Supervisor: Okay. Now, this here is "Creating Wealth with Brad Richdale"...
Gladys: He--have--he's a very motivational speaker.
Supervisor: Mmm-kay, now this product here, ma'am, uh, includes some books..."Think Like a Millionaire"..."100 Hottest Products and Info Guide"...
Gladys: Hot...the Hot Products is very good, 'cause that's what I wanna get into.
Supervisor: Okay...
Gladys: I wanna sell some good stuff.
Supervisor: Very well, would you like to place an order this morning?
Gladys: I...what--what--what is...can I just order the Hot Products book?
Supervisor: Well, I'm not able just to, uh, take an order for one particular book in the set that Brad offered this evening...
Gladys: 'Cause I wanna sell some good stuff.
Supervisor: But I tell you what I can do...I can go ahead, ma'am, and refer you to a, uh, number to call them directly, where they would be able to, uh, see if they could do that for you.
Gladys: What...w-would...a Hot Product...be?
Supervisor: Oh, I have no idea, ma'am.
Gladys: Is that like...taco...food, or something?
Supervisor: Unfortunately...
Gladys: Fast food?
Supervisor: Unfortunately, they don't give us that in detail.
Gladys: So you don't know what you're selling, is what you're saying.
Supervisor: Well, actually, the client has not let us know in great detail what they are selling.
Gladys: See, I...I get confused about this. Because if I call a place...
Supervisor: Mm hmm?
Gladys: ...okay, and I'm 67...
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am?
Gladys: If I call to make an order, I--I would, I would expect that the place that is selling something would know what it is that they're selling.
Supervisor: I understand, understood. We act in the third-party capacity. Uh, we are basically and automated order processing channel.
Gladys: You're having a party over there...so...
Supervisor: I'm sorry?
Gladys: You're having a party?
Supervisor: No, ma'am, no no no, ma'am...
Gladys: So it's a big party over there...
Supervisor: No, ma'am.
Gladys: Lemme get a shot of bourbon, hold on.
(sound of shot glass clinking, Gladys gulps)
Gladys: Hello? So what are you saying?
Supervisor: Okay, ma'am. We, ah, act in the third party capacity for the client.
Gladys (wheezing from bourbon): ...huh, yes.
Supervisor: We are a liason between the manufacturer and the consumer, yourself. Ahem. Because we act in this capacity...
Gladys (coughing loudly): ...huh, yes. Sor--excuse me.
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am.
Gladys: Yea.
Supervisor: Ah, because we act in this capacity, we do not always...uh...receive detailed information because the consumer sees that information in detail on the commercial. So because of that, a lot of times we don't have a lot of great detail as to the contents, in this particular case, we don't have exact details as to the contents of the books.
Gladys: Oh my God, I've never heard such a load of corporate shit in my life! How do you speak to people like this? You just mumbo-jumbo, what did you just tell me?
Supervisor (laughing): Okay, ma'am.
Gladys: Speak English to me, please!
Supervisor: Okay.
Gladys: ...oh, my God!
Supervisor: We---we don't...we don't know exactly what the contents of the books are.
Gladys: So you're basically saying you have no idea in the depths of hell what you're selling.
Supervisor: We have no idea what the books consist of, no.
Gladys: So I could open the books, and they could explode on me and you'd have no idea. They could go "BOOM!"
Supervisor: Since we are not responsible for the shipping and handling of the product, ma'am, I do not know about that.
Gladys: I'm...you know, I just--just blows my mind!
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am. Did--did you wish to place an order this evening, ma'am?
Gladys: Oh, of course!
Supervisor: Okay...but you just wanted that one book, right?
Gladys: Yes.
Supervisor: Well why don't I give you a phone number where you can call them directly...
Gladys: I have to call more numbers, here.
Supervisor: Unfortunately, yes, ma'am.
Gladys: I'm very...it took me two hours to get this number, because the commercials, they...I have no idea how d--do...how they do these commercials, they go by so fast! And the number's on for ten seconds. I've been watching the same channel for two hours so that I could catch it, and each time I got like two more numbers.
(phone line is ringing in the background, continues throughout)
Supervisor (chuckling): Okay...
Gladys: It's crazy!
Supervisor: Would you like that number, ma'am, to call?
Gladys: Oh, my God. Is there any way you can just patch me through with your little switchboard, just "bingo"?
Supervisor: Unfortunately not, ma'am, we don't...
Gladys: Oh, my God...
Supervisor: ...we don't have any type of transfer conference ability with our clients. Um, would you like that phone number?
Gladys: Oh, sure.
Supervisor: All righty.
Gladys: Well how much is the whole set?
Supervisor: The whole--the entire package will run 89 dollars and 90 cents.
Gladys: Oh, my God...
Supervisor: Seventy-nine ninety five plus...
Gladys: Lord, Jesus...mercy...sin...savior. Ah, and it's for--for books? They charging that much for books?
Supervisor: That is correct, ma'am, five books.
Gladys: Oh my God, I wouldn't have enough money for the dog! Um...
Supervisor: Would you like that phone number?
Gladys: Oh, God. Um, you...I suppose...your phone's ringing over there...
Supervisor: Yes, it is.
Gladys: Mine was ringing for the longest time before you guys, uh, answered.
Supervisor: I apologize for that, ma'am.
Gladys: You should...why don't you pick that up?
Supervisor: No no, that's okay, ma'am.
Gladys: Are you sure?
Supervisor: That's okay, I--I deal...I deal with each of my callers one at a time.
Gladys: I feel badly when other people are waiting like I was waiting.
Supervisor: No, that--that's okay.
Gladys: Oh my G--it's ringing.
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am. Did...
Gladys: I hear it in the background there.
Supervisor: Yes, it is. Did...
Gladys: Oh, someone answered it?
Supervisor: Someone will, ma'am.
Gladys: It's still ringing.
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am. Did...
Gladys: You hear it?
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am, I hear it. Did---did you...
Gladys: I still hear it going.
Supervisor: Did--Did you wish to have that phone number, ma'am?
Gladys: To--to--to the Rich, uh, Ri- oh, what's his name?
Supervisor: To Richdale. Brad Richdale.
Gladys: Brad Richdale.
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am.
Gladys: And I can order the single book from them, you're saying?
Supervisor: Well, I haven't said that. You can call them and see if they can.
Gladys: Oh, my God. So this is another number that I'd have to call and I don't even know.
Supervisor: No, ma'am, I do not know...
Gladys: Oh, my God, can you please answer that line? It's driving me crazy!
Supervisor: No, ma'am, if I--if I answered that...if I answered that other line then unfortunately I'd have to disconnect on you, and I don't want to do that.
Gladys: You...you hang up on me?!
Supervisor: But--but I will...No I will not hang up on you...
Gladys: Oh, my Jesus!
Supervisor: ...but could I--could I give you that phone number so I can go to move on and get some other calls tonight?
Gladys: Well what do I do with that number?
Supervisor: You would contact them directly...
Gladys: Your phone is ringing there.
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am.
Gladys: They're very patient people.
Supervisor (chuckles): Um, I can give you that phone number, you can contact them, and you can see if perhaps, you know, they might be able to...
Gladys: There they are again, the've called back, now. Oh, they've answered it, good. Thank you. No they haven't! I feel really bad.
Supervisor: Ma'am, ma'am, would you like...ma'am, I'm being completely honest...would you like that phone number, ma'am? Because honestly I can not stay tied up on the phone involved in extraneous conversation.
Gladys: Ex...what word is that?
Supervisor: E--ex--extraneous.
Gladys: What is that? What are you saying?
Supervisor: Well ba--basically, ma'am, we're just sitting here talking, and I really need to move on this evening.
Gladys: So my time as a customer is not valuabe, is what you're saying.
Supervisor: Your time is extremely valuable, ma'am, but this--the service that we have here...
Gladys: I've never been called extraneous in my life. I know I'm an older woman, but I'm not estraned.
Supervisor: Okay...um, would you like that phone number, ma'am?
Gladys: Extraneous...extrane yourself! Yes, gimme the number.
Supervisor: Thank you.
Gladys: Ex--extranee-er...
Supervisor: It's area code nine-zero-four...
Gladys: Nine-zero-four...
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am...two-five-seven...
Gladys: Hold on...
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am.
Gladys: Nine-zero-four...
(phone is still ringing)
Gladys: Oh, God, that's driving me crazy! Can you answer that... nine-... guh.
(phone rings again...)
Gladys: Do you hear that??
Supervisor: Yes, I hear it, ma'am.
Gladys: How can you let the phone ring for so long?
Supervisor: Because if I answer that other call, ma'am, I will disconnect on you.
Gladys: Just tell them to hold on, and gimme the number.
Supervisor: Ma'am, I--I just men--ma'am, I just mentioned this a minute ago, 'kay?
Gladys: Oh, my God!
Supervisor: Now I'm gonna be honest with you, ma'am, I know how to operate my phone here, but thank you for the advice.
Gladys: All right.
Supervisor: Okay?
Gladys: I would hope...
Supervisor: Now you ready to write down this number?
Gladys: I would hope you know how to operate a ph--a phone.
Supervisor: Well thank you, ma'am.
Gladys: Jesus...
Supervisor: It is two-five-seven...
Gladys: I thought you said nine-oh-four.
Supervisor: That's the area code.
Gladys: Oh, okay. Nine-zero-four...
(phone is still ringing)
Gladys: Wow, those people are patient!
Supervisor: Two-five-seven...
Gladys: Two-five-seven...
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am.
Gladys: I can't even hear what you're saying with that ringing in my ear.
Supervisor: Nine-zero-nine-zero.
Gladys: Nine-zero-four, or nine-zero-zero-four?
Supervisor: No, ma'am. Two-five-seven...
Gladys: Can you just give me the whole thing?
Supervisor: I'm gonna start at the beginning. It's nine numbers. Nine-...
Gladys: Okay.
Supervisor: ...zero-four...
Gladys: Yes.
Supervisor: ...two...
Gladys: Okay.
Supervisor: ...five-seven...
Gladys: Okay.
Supervisor: ...nine-zero-nine-zero.
Gladys: So ninety-ninety?
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am.
Gladys: Oh, my God! So I call them and say that you--you said that I could order the one book from them.
Supervisor: No, ma'am. Once again, ma'am, do not misconstrue what I've have said as a verbal guarantee...
Gladys: Why do you talk to me in this...confusion? What are you saying, now?
Supervisor: Ma'am, I'm not sure...how would you prefer to be addressed, ma'am?
Gladys: Just plain English, please!
Supervisor: Ma'am, then let me speak in plain English to you, okay?
Gladys: Please!
Supervisor: I do not know...I do...
Gladys: You're speaking Spanish to me!
Supervisor: Ma'am, ma'am...I do not know if you can buy one book.
Gladys: Then why are you telling me to call these people?
Supervisor: I have provided you with a number to contact them...
Gladys: Oh, my God!
Supervisor: ...to see if they can. Now, now I'm gonna have to disconnect, ma'am, and move on...
Gladys: I've never been treated so horribly in my life!
Supervisor: ...but I wanna thank you for calling, and you have yourself a good evening.
Gladys: I will...sue this company!
END
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