Prank call by Blackout at http://www.blackout.com

Transcript by John "Johnny K" Krajewski

(ringing)

Irving: Hello?

Gladys: HELLO?

Irving: Hello?

Gladys: HELLO? Irving.

Irving: Who’s this?

Gladys: This is me, you called here, I wanted to know... Excuse me... (retching) Hello?

Irving: Hello?

Gladys: Excuse me, I have cat hair. (swallows) ugh... Irving? Is this Irving?

Irving: Yes?

Gladys: (farts) Ohh, gas... Irving? Did you beat my dog?

Irving: (silence)

Gladys: Hello? ...

Mrs. Irving: Hello?

Gladys: Hello, is Irving there please?

Mrs. Irving: Yes, what is it?

Gladys: I would like to speak to Irving. Who is this?

Mrs. Irving: Irving who?

Gladys: Morone.

Mrs. Irving: You got the wrong number.

Gladys: No, I just... I recognize his voice.

Mrs. Irving: Yes.

Gladys: And I know who he is.

Mrs. Irving: Ms. (unintelligible)?

Gladys: No Irving!

Mrs. Irving: (upset) Irving who?

Gladys: Who is this please?

Mrs. Irving: This is Mrs. Irving.

Gladys: Mrs. Irving? You can’t be Mrs. Irving, you got to be whatever-the-hell his last name is, so you listen here.

Mrs. Irving: I’ll listen, go ahead.

Gladys: I was with my dog. And I was walking my dog... He’s a wonderful German shepherd... With beautiful fur... And he has a smile... And he’s a wonderful dog... I love my dog. Just, listen, I was walking my dog. Are you listening to me?

Mrs. Irving: Yes!

Gladys: Very well cause I’m talking. I was walking my dog... When Irving came up to me, and my dog you know I’ve just got his shots for him. Do you have your dog? (Mrs. Irving: No) I mean, I said do you have a dog? (Mrs. Irving: No) This is why it’s difficult for you to understand this story, so listen here. I was walking my dog, and Irving saw my beautiful German shepherd, and he said... "Wonderful!-

Mrs. Irving: (interrupting) My husband is sick and he wasn’t out!

Gladys: No, this was not recently, listen here! This was not recently, did I say today-

Mrs. Irving: This is a- you call ten to one at night.

Gladys: -is why I’m calling because it’s very important and if I call tomorrow my dog might be dead. Do you know what happened to my dog? Do you know what happened to my dog, my beautiful German shepherd with the wonderful smile? Who is this by the way?

Mrs. Irving: I don’t know where you got our number!

Gladys: Listen- I- he gave me the number when he ran over my dog.

Mrs. Irving: He ran over your dog?

Gladys: It wasn’t purposeful, but he did it and I needed to speak with him for the veterinarian bill.

Mrs. Irving: (chuckles)

Gladys: What, you’re laughing?! (distressed) I don’t think it’s funny when someone runs over a dog!

Mrs. Irving: I know it isn’t funny, he’s sick and he hasn’t been out!

Gladys: Oh, he was out three weeks ago when he charged over my dog like a mad bull!

Mrs. Irving: You got the wrong number...

Gladys: Oh, so he gave me his name – (hangs up) Listen you bitch! Oh, you make me so mad that I’ll call back.

Gladys: HELLO?

Irving: Hello?

Gladys: I was disconnected before, accidentally, I was speaking of my dog. And something happened.

Irving: What the hell-ya happened? Wha-wha-what number do you want?

Gladys: Irving, you ran over my dog-

Irving: (interrupting) How could I run over your dog, I haven’t been out-

Gladys: (very distressed) With your big fat fucking feet, ya bastard! Now I’ve got some problems and I’m not going to hear you curse at me like that! You calm yourself down, there. Irving, what are we going to do about this?

Irving: Irving who?

Gladys: Irv- what’s your last name, Morone? Moroon? You were so babbling, you were so shocked with stress from the blood of my dog.

Irving: When did I run over your dog?

Gladys: Three weeks ago. Three weeks ago. You trampled him! Trampled!

Irving: Where was this?

Gladys: You kicked him with your right foot, boom in the... dog face, I saw. Why did you do that, Irving?

Irving: What is your number?

Gladys: Mine- (sputtering) I, uh- don’t you try and get me here, you’re paying for the veterinarian bills. That’s why I’m calling and you’re being very uncivil about this.

Irving: (in the background) I ran over her dog, she’s crazy... Look, you want, you want me to call the police-

Gladys: Are you calling me crazy?! Are you calling me crazy?! You run over my dog and you call me crazy?

Irving: I don’t know who you are!

Gladys: You’re crazy with your wheelchair, running over a poodle... A German shepherd-poodle none the less... Hello? Irving? Hello? Listen here. (hangs up) Oh, he makes me so mad...

Chris: Hello?

Irving: Why don’t you call the police?!

Chris: Yeah hi, hello? Hello? Who is this? Irving? Hi, this is Chris, look. My mother was just calling you, I’m over to find out what’s going on, I just want to find out what’s going on, I apologize-

Irving: (interrupting) I don’t know who you are-

Chris: She’s a little senile-

Irving: (interrupting) I haven’t been out-

Chris: Look, Irving, my mom’s a little bit senile, and I apologize, I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on, ok. She said something about the dog, and she keeps giving me your number, I don’t- maybe we can work this thing out here, what’s, ah, what’s going on?

Irving: What- uh, where do you live?

Chris: Hold on a sec-

Irving: What dog? What house?

Chris: I live in, I live in Sunrise, she lives in Plantation. Hold on- (in the background) Mom? What’s the dog?

Gladys: He ran over my dog! Tell him that I want him to pay for the veterinarian bill.

Chris: Uh, I don’t know what, uh- she says you ran over the dog. She has a German Shepherd, did you hit him by accident, or something? Beat him down, whip him or something?

Irving: I haven’t be- I haven’t been out!

Chris: You haven’t been out... Ah, hmm.. (in the background) Mom, he says he hasn’t been out?

Gladys: He’s a liar! He ran over my dog- he’s a vicious, he went room, BOOM into the dog!

Chris: Mom, you sure? Are you sure about this?

Gladys: As sure as I am not wet in my uterus anymore, he ran over my dog.

Chris: I don’t know, Ma, yeah, she says you ran over the dog.

Irving: (distressed) I never ran over any dog, I haven’t been out-

Chris: (simultaneously) Are you sure you didn’t maybe, ok-

Irving: I don’t know what she’s talking about!

Chris: You’re sick, you were sick. I, see I understand that cause my mom gets a little crazy, but the dog is injured, the dog’s in the corner,

Irving: I never hit a dog,

Chris: (simultaneously) And uh, he’s missing a leg.

Irving: I haven’t been out, uh, why don’t you, if-

Chris: (interrupting) I don’t know who to call, I- she has, she says you gave her the number, she has the number written down, a man named Irving, uh Maroon or Morone, she says the man apologized for uh, dismembering the dog and gave her the number, you know, I don’t know what’s going on...

Irving: I have never done anything like that, I never gave anybody the number,

Chris: Huh, that’s crazy...

Irving: I don’t know what she’s talking about

Chris: Yeah, (in the background) Mom, he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

Gladys: That, that bastard! He ran, he ran over my dog like- give me the pho- give me the phone-

Chris: Stop it Mom-

Irving: Hello?

John Dandell: *DISPATCH* Uh, hello there can I speak to Irving please.

Irving: Who is this?

John Dandell: Irving Morone, this is John Dandell, I’m from Police Department 51-0-7, uh we’re investigating a Woodlands incident, I have a complaint against you, I have a woman calling me, she’s on the line also, I have her son on the line, uh says that you did- have done damage to her dog and was been calling her abusively, can you tell me what’s going on here Irving?

Irving: Oh, uh, is this the Police Department?

John Dandell: Yes, this is John Dandell.

Irving: I have never, I never hit a dog, I wasn’t out,

John Dandell: Um-hmm.

Irving: I’ve been sick,

John Dandell: Um-hmm.

Irving: Now, And I- I don’t know who she is or what she is

Gladys: (interrupting) Now, he’s lying, excuse me officer, this man is telling you a lie. Now he with his huge foot, he went boom and ka-choo, ka-kick-boom-Judy-boom into my dog.

John Dandell: Uh, ma’am, can you please refrain from talking-

Irving: (simultaneously) What kinda- what kind of car do I got?

John Dandell: Excuse me, both of ya, let me, let me ask you questions and then have everyone talk once at a time, please, cause I have to figure this out, ok, can we have that?

Irving: Go ahead.

Gladys: Yeah, very we- very well.

Irving: (in the background, to Mrs. Irving) Police department.

John Dandell: Alright, now the complaint that she has Irving- your last name is Morone?

Irving: Yes

John Dandell: The complaint she has is she says she was walking her dog on Banyon, by Banyon, and that you were outside, wandering about, licking some ice cream, and that you kicked the dog... while eating a chocolate eclair, now uh the thing that I need to work out now was if you were outside, if the dog was kicked, if it- was this an accident, or did this occur... give me your story here.

Irving: I don’t know anything about it! I don’t know- I don’t know what she’s talking about. I never kicked a dog, I never hit a dog.

Chris: Hi, officer are you there? Officer?

John Dandell: Yeah I’m right here.

Chris: Um, let- look, this is her son Chris. Maybe I can help you out and tell you that my... my Mom, she sometimes, uh, she sometimes listens to Madonna tapes. I don’t know if that will help you out at all but she does do that.

John Dandell: Alright thank you very much Chris. Um, listen now, let’s go on with this, now you say you have nothing to do with this sir?

Irving: I don’t know anything about it!

John Dandell: Uh hu. Now do you listen to Madonna? Do you- did you give her any Madonna tapes or anything of the sort that she’s talking about?

Irving: Uh, she’s got a dog? I never hit a dog, I never-

John Dandell: She’s got a German shepherd-poodle.

Irving: I-I never touched-

John Dandell: A Poo-Shep.

Irving: When- When did this all happen?

John Dandell: Are you there ma’am?

Gladys: (in the background) I’m right here! Hello? Yes hello I’m right here, give me the phone.

Chris: Mom, Mom stop- (phone rustling)

Gladys: Give me the pho- hello? Yes. Listen, let me have another bourbon. (glass clinking) Um, I was walking my dog, he’s got the wonderful blue eyes, and I walk him, and he's so, he’s such a nice dog, sir. I just want to let you know, he’s a wonderful dog.

John Dandell: I’m sure he is ma’am, now lets get past all that and get on to what’s going on here. Now, uh sir do you agree that it’s a wonderful dog? Irving?

Mrs. Irving: What? We don’t know what she’s talking about.

John Dandell: Uh ma’am they don’t know what you’re talking about.

Gladys: He’s a wonderful dog... Excuse me let me take another shot.

Mrs. Irving: And you call at a quarter to one, my husband is sick.

Gladys: (drinking) Ahh..

John Dandell: Uh ma’am, I realize that but you understand that when a complaint is lodged, I have to call and find out.

Mrs. Irving: Oh.

John Dandell: Ok, I have to- I don’t know what happened to me, I’m just being neutral here.

Irving: Where did this all-

Gladys: (interrupting) The both of them! They ran over my dog- the both of them, they’re ninjas, they jump-kicked my dog in the ass.

John Dandell: Ma’am, can you please calm down while I ask the questions here.

Gladys: I’m sorry.

Mrs. Irving: What car did we have?

John Dandell: Excuse me?

Mrs. Irving: What car did we have?

John Dandell: Ma’am, I don’t know what car you have, I am simply asking the questions here to find out what happened. Are you asking her?

Irving: No I’m asking you- I’m asking her wha-what do I look like-

John Dandell: What do you-

Irving: -if I kicked her dog?

John Dandell: Hold on, let me- excuse- are you there ma’am?

Gladys: I’m right here, hello? What do they want to know, I’ll tell them, the little bastards, whatever they want to know.

John Dandell: There’s no need for that ma’am, now stop that. I don’t need that language here, I will come down and arrest you right now.

Gladys: (apologetic) Oh shit, I’m sorry. Alright, what do they say? What do you want to know? Hello? Dog-kicker, what do you want to know?

Irving: Wha-what-

Gladys: (upset) You kicked him in the head, you’re so horrible! Oh, God, I’m gonna have a break down!

Irving: When did this happen?

Gladys: What?

Irving: When did this happen?

Gladys: I love Frank Sinatra.

John Dandell: Ma’am, answer the question please.

Irving: When did this happen?

John Dandell: He wants to know when it happened, ma’am.

Gladys: It was about three weeks ago, I know because I was watching The Smurfs, one of my favorite cartoons, and I went out to walk my dog. He’s got beautiful blue eyes- like Frank.

Irving: Where did ya- where did ya- where did you walk your dog?

John Dandell: Ma’am where did ya walk- excuse- let me translate that for her. Ma’am, where did you walk the dog?

Gladys: You don’t need to translate, I’m not a... invalid.

John Dandell: Uh, ma’am... Ma’am, can you please answer the questions. What’s your name by the way?

Gladys: My name’s Gladys... Gladys, and my son will tell you that, tell them what my name is.

Chris: Yeah hi, her name’s Gladys.

Gladys: (in the background) Thank you, give me the phone. Hello? Now what’s the question?

John Dandell: Now what did you want to know sir, from her?

Irving: Where- where- where- where was this dog hit?

John Dandell: Uh ma’am where was the dog hit?

Gladys: He was hit right in the ass, boom! The foot went right in the ass, it was hard, and it was cruel. And I have hit my grandchildren in the ass, I have, you know, whacked them about the room, when they’re bad, but I don’t hit animals, and I don’t appreciate anyone who would attack an animal and Irving is that type of man. He’s- he’s- he’s got a karate foot of death, he does. Boom in the ass!

John Dandell: Ok, uh, I believe she says that the dog was hit in the behind, in the rectum, or in the... rear...

Mrs. Irving: Oh, please...

John Dandell: I don’t- I’m trying to just translate this ma’am, you have to understand that I really don’t know what happened, and I apologize for this, but I’m just trying to figure out what happened here.

Irving: Ask her- ask her what kind of man- what kind of man am I?

John Dandell: What kind of man is Irving? What kind of man is Irving, ma’am? Gladys? What kind of man is Irving?

Gladys: He’s a dog-hating man! He’s a dog, ass-kicking man! The bast- he’s a big foot-ass, dog-in-the-ass, foot-kicking man! Hold on I need another shot of Bourbon...

Gladys: (drinking) Oh Jesus that’s good.

John Dandell: Uh, hello?

Irving: Hello.

John Dandell: Well what do you mean, sir? Obviously this woman thinks you attacked her dog, that’s what I have.

Irving: Ah- where did this happen, what street?

John Dandell: Um, ma’am, where did this happen? Ma’am- Gladys, are you there?

Gladys: Yes, I’m right here. It was in the Woodlands, and I was walking the dog in the Woodlands, and that’s where I walk the dog cause he likes to piss and shit in the woods. And I was walking him in the Woodlands, and then this man came, Irving he said he was, and he went ka-boom! To the dog... Ka-chow! Ka-pap! Ka-booby!!! And, oh, my dog, he dismembered the leg! And my dog’s got three legs now. It’s a three-legged dog.

Irving: I haven’t seen a dog-

John Dandell: Did you take the dog’s leg, Irving? Do you have this dog’s leg? Did you remove the leg? I mean, did you try and take the dog to the hospital after this whole incident? What happened after it-... Irving?

Irving: Yes?

John Dandell: I’m asking you what happened with the dog’s leg, she says you took the leg.

Irving: (frantically) Who knows- who knows anything about it, I never saw the dog, I don’t know what she’s talking about!

John Dandell: So you didn’t make love to the leg...

Irving: -I didn’t kick a dog, I didn’t hit a dog...

John Dandell: Alright well I’m gonna have to ask you a couple background questions, I’ve got her version of the story, I think I’ve talked enough to Gladys now, uh, just to ask you a couple background questions, have you ever had a pet, Irving at all, have you ever owned a pet?

Irving: Did I have?

John Dandell: Yes.

Irving: Sure!

John Dandell: Ok, who’s- who’s that other voice on the line?

Mrs. Irving: -It’s the wife.

John Dandell: Oh, ok, this is- and what’s your name, ma’am?

Mrs. Irving: Ann.

John Dandell: Ann, ok. Ann, have you owned a pet with Irving?

Mrs. Irving: Yes!

John Dandell: Ok, and you- is it a common practice to dismember your pet?

Mrs. Irving: Oh come on...

John Dandell: I’m just- I’m just asking, I have to, you know, I have to do some background checks.

Mrs. Irving: Never. Never!

John Dandell: So you’ve never dismembered a dog?

Mrs. Irving: What kind of question is that?

John Dandell: You’ve never hurt- you, you’ve never, you know, behaviorally controlled your dog? If a dog had been bad? How would you handle that?

Gladys: They’d hit em in the ass is what they’d do! They’d whack him!

John Dandell: Alright, ma’am, calm down please, Gladys.

Gladys: (very apologetic) I’m sorry.

John Dandell: Ah, go ahead, Ann.

Mrs. Irving: First she said, when she first called, that we ran over the dog.

John Dandell: Mm-hmm.

Mrs. Irving: Now she says we kicked the dog.

John Dandell: Yeah, uh, I’m noting all these inconsistencies here as well, I want to tell you that, I- I’m beginning to think that there might be some inconsistencies here.

Irving: You should-

John Dandell: I- I’ve got it all down, I just want you to know that I am impartial.

Mrs. Irving: (simultaneously) I know.

John Dandell: And I’m just trying to, you know, I have to get all the facts down. Uh-

Gladys: They ran over the dog, and then-

Mrs. Irving: (interrupting) Why would they call at this hour?

Gladys: No, Irving ran over the dog and after he ran over it with his wheelchair, he kicked it in the ass. That’s what he did, you lying son-of-a-bitch, you know that’s what you did–would you like to go out with me on Friday night?

Irving: Oh, I think your crazy...

John Dandell: Yeah I think she might be a little out there but I still need to get all the facts. Alright, uh-

Irving: I know nothing about it, I didn’t hit a dog, I didn’t-

John Dandell: Ok, we were talking about, uh, pet history. Now, when you had-

Irving: If you want me to tomorrow morning I’ll stop into the police department-

John Dandell: Yeah, well we’re gonna try to do that and get everybody together here, (sputtering) you had a pet, you say, and how did you discipline the pet?

Irving: I had a pet years- I had many pets years ago.

John Dandell: You’ve had many pets. And do you have these pets now?

Mrs. Irving: No...

Irving: I don’t have any-

Gladys: (angry) They’ve killed the mother-fuckers is what they did, that’s what they did, they don’t have em anymore cause they’re dead, they killed em.

Mrs. Irving: Oh God...

John Dandell: Did you do- is that true?

Irving: Oh cmon-

Mrs. Irving: (talking at once) of course it’s not-

Gladys: Of course it’s true, listen to em they’re scared, you know what they’ve got under the house? Dead pets, thousands of dead pets! Just like they kicked my dog! They kick all their pets, and they’re all deaaad under the hooousse- (gurgling, moaning) Mothhher fuckkkkerss ahhh.. (gurgling, grows quiet)

John Dandell: Alright, ma’am?

Gladys: (quiet gurgling)

John Dandell: Uh, Gladys? Ma’am, are you ok?

John Dandell: Oh my God, oh my God, hello? I think we’ve lost her...

Mrs. Irving: Her daught- her son was there...

Irving: Hello?

John Dandell: Yeah, hi Irving, this is John Dandell. She went into convulsions over there on the line, we have the uh, CFD-O-Fee going over there to check her out, but I’ve gone over everything-

Irving: Let me ask you, does she live in Woodlands?

John Dandell: Uh, according to her story she lives in Woodlands, we haven’t got a positive identification on uh, on that, but she says she lives in Woodlands–so I’ve gone over all the facts, Irving, I’ve listened to everything, and I’ve, uh, I have my details in front of me here, so after going carefully over everything that I’ve listened to in the past couple minutes, ahh- we’re coming there to take you in. Mm hmm... So, uh, we’re gonna be there to pick you guys up cause I believe you did beat the dog down and you did kick him in the ass.

Irving: I didn’t... I didn’t beat a dog, I didn’t hit a dog-

John Dandell: (interrupting) I know you’re a dog beater, and we gotta get ya because we just can’t have that sorta- she’s into convulsions right now, the woman’s uh, she’s biting her tongue, she’s whipping it out, she’s doing the whipping, she was playing with the Rubik’s Cube... She’s very sick and we’re- we just sent an ambulance over to check that out, so we gotta come there and pick you up. Is your wife ready?

Irving: You mean, you’re gonna pick us up?!

John Dandell: Yeah we need to get both of you in here, you’re dog beaters... You’re dog whippers. Hold on a second, I got it coming in, do you pick that up? We got uh, Irving and Ann, we gotta pick them up.

Transmission: *That’s a 10-4 online we’ll send a car (garbled transmission)*

Irving: How- how can you pick us up-

John Dandell: Alright we just got the call in, hold on a second.

Irving: We can come over in the morning!

John Dandell: That’s a 10-4, did ya pick that up? Uh, Irving and Ann, two suspects, dog beaters, dog whippers.

Transmission: *Two dog whippers, that’s a copy, got two dog whippers Ann, and uh, Irving, we’re sending a 10-0-4 over to do a 10-84, 10-22 and that’s 24 over, 7.* ... *Pacman.*

John Dandell: Uh, alright. Uh, just hold on, I got some radio input coming in. Uh-

Irving: Hello?

John Dandell: Yeah, I’m here.

Irving: Can’t you- can’t we just come over in the morning?

John Dandell: Hold on, let me find out. Uh, hold on, let me use my radio, excuse me here a second... (on radio) Can we pick them up in the morning, is that a possibility?

Irving: I-I’ll come over to the police department in the morning!

Transmission: *That’s a negative, (garbled transmission)*

John Dandell: Um, no we just got a negative there, we have to pick you up now. You’re dog beaters, so...

Mrs. Irving: We’re what?

John Dandell: Hi, Ann?

Mrs. Irving: Yes.

John Dandell: We’re coming to get you.

Mrs. Irving: ...Well alright.

John Dandell: So, put on something hot and sexy, and we’ll be there in a couple of minutes to stop you from beating any dogs up, alright?

Mrs. Irving: (curiously) What kinda dogs do we beat up?

John Dandell: I don’t know, that’s what we have to find out from you guys, I don’t know how long you been whipping the dog’s ass, or what you been doing, but we’re putting a stop to it, John Dandell, Crime Stopper, I’ll stop it all, I’ll stop you... Alright?

Irving: No, I-I-I-

Mrs. Irving: He can’t go, he has a-

John Dandell: So I’ll just let him beat up more dogs?

Mrs. Irving: What?

John Dandell: Alright. Alright look. I’ll tell you what.

Mrs. Irving: What.

John Dandell: Don’t beat up anymore dogs, we won’t pick you up tonight if you give me that promise... You’re not gonna kick any more dogs in the ass.

Mrs. Irving: Never.

Irving: We never done anything like that-

John Dandell: Alright- wait!- now you’re wife just said never, now if you’re gonna give me trouble I’m gonna pick you up. If you’re gonna promise me you’re not gonna kick any more dogs in the ass I won’t pick you up.

Mrs. Irving: Promise, right?

John Dandell: Let me hear you say it, now, I promise I won’t kick a dog in the ass.

Mrs. Irving: (sincerely) I promise I won’t kick a dog in the ass.

John Dandell: Alright, that’s good. Thank you very much now, have a good night.

Irving: Ok.