Characters:
John Dandell(Blackout) - Police officer specializing in telephone crimes
Joana(Blackout) - The operator
Voice from Vietnam(Blackout) - Screaming voice during first call.
Matt Cheddar(Blackout) - The Teenage Mutant Ninga Turtles lovin' kid
Master Shredder(Blackout) - a.k.a. The Voice. ALWAYS has ominous
music as he speaks
Blackout - only uses his own voice when he gets out of character
Quan(Victim) - the main victim
Quan's Sister(Victim) - the secondary victim
Bold Words = Names
[words words words] = non-voice sounds
(words words words) = type of speaking, meaning accents, pauses, etc.
---------------------
[phone rings once]
Quan's Sister: What?
Joana: South Vietnam, we have a collect call to Tam from South Vietnam. Do you accept the charges?
Quan's Sister: South Vietnam?
Joana: Yeah
Quan's Sister: What's the name?
Joana: Uhh... I don't have that information, uhh, ma'am. We just have a collect call to... to Tam... uhh, from South Vietnam.
Quan's Sister: Hold on, okay?
Joana: Uhh... okay ma'am, please hurry up.
Quan's Sister: (off phone) South Vietnam, ah (incoherant) collect caller (incoherant)... (back on phone) no.
Joana: Okay, I'll put you through. [click]
[machine gun noises, sirens]
Voice from Vietnam: (incoherant yelling)
Blackout: (laughs) Hello?
Voice from Vietnam: Tam! Tam!!
[click]
Joana: This is the London Dale operator, I have a collect call from Master Shredder from New York. Do you accept the charges?
Quan's Sister: What's the name?
Joana: Master Shredder.
Quan's Sister: Master Shredder...? (pauses) No.
Joana: Okay, I'll put you through.
[beep, click]
Master Shredder: Hello. This is Master Shredder.
[click]
Blackout: (laughs)
[phone rings once]
Quan: Hello?
Joana: Uhh, hello. This is London Dale operator. I have a collect call for... to Tam, uhh, from New York
Quan: uh huh?
Joana: Uhh... he says it's very urgent. From, um-
Quan: What's the name? What's the name?
Joana: From umm... Shredder... Shreddar...?
Quan: Naw, umm... I, I'm not gonna accept that.
Joana: Okay, I'll put you through.
[click, beep]
Master Shredder: Hello. Is Yam there?
Quan: Who?
Master Shredder: I need to speak to Yam!
Quan: Yam, I am! Go-
Master Shredder: What did you say?
Quan: Go fuck yourself!
Master Shredder: Oh shit! There was a day when I was cursed at. But never did I expect the great Yam to curse at me. (incoherant ninja sounds)
Quan: Do not call here!
Master Shredder: What did you say to the great Master Shredder?
Quan: I will kick your ass! (incoherant oriental talking)
Master Shredder: I do not want to hear such shit from you. Now you will crawl down before my power!!
Quan: (incoherant oriental talking)!!
Master Shredder: I will tear you into piece of Sushi! And then I will eat you like a baked shrimp!!
Quan: Do not call here no more. (incoherant oriental talking)
Master Shredder: You are laughing at the great Shredder.
[phone beeps twice]
Joana: Hello. This is the operator. Ma'am, ma'am, sir? This is the opera- are you gettin- is this person bothering you?
Quan: Yes.
Joana: Because, I don't know, he keeps putting through, umm, collect calls-
Quan: He keeps playin' around, 'cause I don't really know him, he's just tryin' to make fun of somebody.
Joana: He is? You don't know this man?
Quan: No. He's tryin' to-
Joana: Excuse me, Master Shredder? Are you there?
Master Shredder: Yes, I am here! I know Yam! I must talk to Yam! He is Great Yam!
Joana: Okay, listen, I don't want to hear anymore, umm, collect calls from you 'cause this man he does not- do you know this person?
Quan: No. I don't know him.
Joana: You don't know- how does he know your na-ame?
Quan: I don't know. He's probably making fun of-
Joana: You don't know how he knows your na-ame?
Quan: No.
Joana: hmm... excuse me, Shredder Person. How do you know his na-ame?
Master Shredder: I know his name from the great days of my ninja training. That he would fight next to me, and we would battle together... the great ninjas. But now, he has left me to live in Florida to baste in the sun like a big fried duckling.
Quan: See how he's playing around?
Joana: y-yes, I do... Did you used to fight with him? Were you an- a ninja?
Quan: Who me?? No!
Joana: Yeah-
Quan: My God, I can't believe you- you're listening to him.
Joana: Well, I- I don't know. I'm just an operator. Were you a ninja?
Quan: (family talking in background)Uh, he's- he's messing around. You can tell he's messing around.
Joana: He's joke- well, I doubt- I hear he's doing some sort of a voice or something...
Quan: Yeah.
Joana: That doesn't sound like his real-
Quan: (incoherant talking)
Joana: That sounds like a fake voice to me. Like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Yeah, I don't think that's what- Sir? Are you doin' a voice? Are you putting us on?
Master Shredder: I am not putting you on. I am the great Master Shredder. I have called Yam to come with me to battle again into the night and to fight the great ninjas.
Joana: Alright, sir. This sounds fake to me. Umm, so you're not a ninja, there-
Quan: No, I'm not nothing.
Joana: What is a ninj- what is that?
Quan: I don't know what he's trying- what he's trying to do. He's trying to make fun of somebody.
Joana: Alright, see- alright, I know I heard him! Soo shine. 'cause we hear- we can listen in on the calls sometimes, and I know- I usually don't, you know, we don't listen in-
Quan: He's doin' a prank call.
Joana: Yeah, he called- he called, like five times. Collect call, collect call, collect- So I just thought maybe I'd listen in to see how everything's going on. So, you're not a ninja?
Quan: Naw, if- if he call again, uh, just- just don't put me through-
Joana: Well, if he gets me, there's a lot of operators, that's the thing. I mean, but he call- he callin' from the same phone, he'll get me. But if he calls, you know, from a different-
Master Shredder: I will always call and I will always get through, 'cause I am the great ninja Master Shredder.
Quan: See how he's messing around.
Master Shredder: I am not messing around. You must come and fight with me, great Yam. We must battle for Japan. Why do you dishonor your great brother?
Quan: Hey, I'm not even from Japan-
Joana: He's not even from Japan, you... Master Shredder. Listen, I'm gonna have a- how old are you, kid?
Master Shredder: I am 900 years old. I have been on this earth since the great day.
Quan: You get a cop over there...
Joana: 900 years old? I don't wanna- this is ridiculous! I'm gonna get a cop over there.
Quan: Okay-
Master Shredder: Bring the police here. I will battle them like I battled the great ninjas
Joana: Thank you-
Quan: you get a cop over there-
Joana: I'll take care of it Mr. Ninja. Don't worry, alright?
Quan: Okay, bye-bye.
Joana: Good-bye.
[double-click]
Blackout: (laughs)
[phone rings once]
Quan: Yes?
John Dandell: Yeah, I need to speak to, uh, Mr. Chor please.
Quan: (pauses)uh, can you hold on for a second?
John Dandell: Sure.
[click] [phone beeps 11 times]
John Dandell: Hello?
Quan: Hello.
John Dandell: What was that?
Quan: excuse me?
John Dandell: Uhh... I heard some beeps on the phone.
Quan: Can you hold on for a second?
John Dandell: Sure.
[click]
Quan: Hold on for a second.
John Dandell: Alright.
[click]
Quan: Hello.
John Dandell: Yep.
Quan: Can you hold on? There's someone on the other line-
John Dandell: Uhh, I, uhh, I, Okay, this- I'm calling from, uh, London Dell.
Quan: Where's tha-
John Dandell: The phone company. You had a crank call that you've received?
Quan: Yeah.
John Dandell: Yeah, I'm calling as to verify that. I need to speak to Mr. Chor or whoever it was who received the call.
Quan: I did. I received the call.
John Dandell: Okay, 'cause I just got a complaint, umm, I got a complaint from, uhh, umm, Matt Cheddar. Uhh, Mr. Matt Cheddar.
Quan: Who's Matt Cheddar?
John Dandell: Uhh, he said that you had- you had been crank calling him. You had been making collect calls to his residence.
Quan: Uhh, he's- he's lying. 'cause I never made a crank call on him.
John Dandell: You didn't call him, uhh, pretending to be an ancient ninja master?
Quan: Naw, eh- oh! He tried to do that to me!
John Dandell: What?
Quan: He tried to crank call me, saying that he- he's a ninja master.
John Dandell: Alright, uhh- wait, wait, wait a second here. Calm down. Lemme- lemme. Okay, this is crazy. Now you say that he-
Quan: Can you hold on for a sec? There's somebody on the other line-
John Dandell: Okay, hurry up, please.
Quan: Okay.
[click]
Quan: Hello?
John Dandell: Yeah.
Quan: Yes?
John Dandell: Alright, lemme get this straight, now. You say that, uh- that he- Mr. uh- Mr. Cheddar. Matt Cheddar called you up?
Quan: Yeah, he called me-
John Dandell: 'Cause we just got a call in, uhh... And
he was very angry. He says you had called him and, uhh, you were pretending
to be, uhh, mm, one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And he said you
were- you were gonna come and cut him up like- with your ninja sword.
Quan: Naw. He's- He's lying. You could... ask the operator.
'Cause the operator- He was, uh, playin' around with the operator, too.
John Dandell: He was- He was fooling with the operator?
Quan: Yeah, and he was fooling with me, too. The operator asked-
John Dandell: He says you were fooling with the operator. He said you were, uhh, asking the operator to sleep with you...
Quan: Naw...
John Dandell: And uhh...
Quan: That's a lie. He's lying. What's his name?
John Dandell: His name is Matt Chedder.
Quan: Matt Cheddar?
John Dandell: Yeah. Matt Cheddar. He says you called him, uhh, pretending to be Master Shredder.
Quan: He's lying, 'cause he called me, like, like, four times today... at night.
John Dandell: He called you four times?
Quan: Yeah, at night. Around- around five minutes ago. He called me five times. Five, four times.
John Dandell: He said you were a great ancient ninja warrior.
Quan: He was trying to say that to me. He saying that he was gonna kill me and- and- and stuff like that.
John Dandell: No... that's what he said you did.
Quan: He's lying!
John Dandell: Ehh, are you, uh, making up this voice, now? Are you playing with me?
Quan: That's me!
John Dandell: I don't know... now-
Quan: This is my voice!
John Dandell: I hope you're not playing with me...
Quan: No. I'm not playing with you.
John Dandell: 'cause, uhh-
Quan: (incoherant)-
John Dandell: ...This is very- crank calls is very serious stuff.
Quan: I-, I know that. I know that-
John Dandell: Very serious stuff... I don't, you know, I don't recommend anyone do that to anyone else. And anyone that did that, I would, uhh... stick a carrot in their head.
Quan: Yeah.
John Dandell: 'Cause that's a very bad thing.
Quan: You could ask the operator that. Once he called, he said that he was gonna send a cop on him.
John Dandell: You were- you were a cop?
Quan: No, I uh, he say-
John Dandell: You're gonna cop on him?
Quan: No, the- the operator say that he was- he was gonna send a cop on him.
John Dandell: Well, I-I don't know, 'cause I got a call from him, I am a cop.
Quan: uh-huh...
John Dandell: And that's what I'm doing here. That's my job, and I gotta make- you know, I gotta figure out who crank-called who here.
Quan: Naw, I could tell you the truth. He crank-called me. I could swear to the God.
John Dandell: You could swear to the God-
Quan: Yeah.
John Dandell: The great God.
Quan: Yes. I did not crank call him-
John Dandell: Well, if you can swear to the God, now that's kinda- that's a different situation here. You're swearing to the God-
Quan: You can tell by my voice, I'm not playing around.
John Dandell: Well, he sounded very serious, too, to me. I, umm, I mean, he was very upset when I got the call. Uhh, he didn't swear to the God, though...
Quan: I don't really know that. How did he know my phone number? I don't even know this guy.
John Dandell: You don't know Matt Cheddar?
Quan: Naw, I don't really know him. Nobody in my family knows-
John Dandell: Uhh, what do you mean he knows your phone number? He says you called him.
Quan: I really don't know.
John Dandell: He said that you pretended you were making a collect call from Vietnam.
Quan: Vietnam? I'm in Florida. How would I make a-
John Dandell: Yeah, I know that. I know you're- (scoffs)
Obviously you're in Florida. I know that, but he said you were pretending
to be some, uh, Vietnam...
Quan: Naw-
John Dandell: ...Making, like, war sound effects, and what-not.
Quan: Alright. Let me tell you the situation, alright?
John Dandell: Alright, why don't you tell me the situation.
Quan: Alright, the first time he called he said that he was from South Vietnam.
John Dandell: What- are you- is this the situation you're telling me now?
Quan: Yes, the first time-
John Dandell: Alright, tell me the situation.
Quan: My sister answered it, right. He from uh- he was from South Vietnam. The second call, the second collect, he said he was from New York. The third, he was from New York. And the fourth, he was from New York. (incoherant)-
John Dandell: And each time he was doing different voices?
Quan: Yes, no. I don't know.
John Dandell: You know, I don't believe that one person can fool someone like that. I mean, you would know if someone was doing different voices, wouldn't you?
Quan: Yes, yeah, my first, uh- my first answer was my sister. Two times. And, uhh, she hanged up. She says this a phone number for Vietnam.
John Dandell: He says a gril called him, too... that he got a crank call from a girl.
Quan: From a girl? Naw... he's lying.
John Dandell: Is your sister there? Can she verify this?
Quan: Yes, she is-
John Dandell: Can she swear to the God?
Quan: She's here.
John Dandell: Alright, lemme talk- what's her name?
Quan: Uhh, Jenny Tam.
John Dandell: Alright, lemme talk to Jenny Tam.
Quan: Alright.
John Dandell: Is that, like, any relation to Jenny Craig Weight Loss? Uhh, nevermind.
Quan's Sister: (incoherant talking) Hello?
John Dandell: Yes. Hello. This is John Dandell. I'm with, uhh, London Dell. Uhh, wh- you- you received the call from, uhh-
Quan's Sister: A collect call from-
John Dandell: A collect call.
Quan's Sister: South Vietnam. And I told the operator I don't want- I'm not gonna receive that.
John Dandell: Okay, uhh, besides from that right now, what do you like on hot dogs?
Quan's Sister: (pauses) What?
John Dandell: What do you like on hot dogs?
Quan's Sister: What do I like on the hot dog?
John Dandell: Yeah. What do you usually put on it?
Quan's Sister: What's the-
John Dandell: It's relevant to the case.
Quan's Sister: Does that matter to you?
John Dandell: It- It's relevant because he mentioned this, so it's, uhh, I- I have to know to tell if you're telling the truth.
Quan's Sister: What truth? I don't have to answer this.
John Dandell: Oh, so you're hinding something?
Quan's Sister: No!
John Dandell: Alright, put your brother back on, because if you're not gonna tell me, ehh- what's on hot dogs, then I think there's something to hide.
Quan's Sister: (incoherant) hot dog. I don't understand! I don't- I'm not gonna re-
John Dandell: It's a truth test. You know, it's what we do in America to see if people are telling the truth. (pause) What do you like on a hot dog? I'm gonna run you through the, uhh, meter. My- my lie detector.
Quan's Sister: (pause) Ketchup.
John Dandell: Okay, hold on. Let me check this out... okay... hold on here, runnin' it through the tester...
[keyboard clicking]
John Dandell: (to himself) okay... what do you like on a hot dog...
[computerized siren]
John Dandell: Uh oh... it came up negative. Uhh, you're lying. Put your brother on.
Quan's Sister: Who's calling? Can I have your name?
John Dandell: This is John Dandell, I need to speak to your brother again. 'Cause we've got a discrepancy here, and he swore to the great God... and uhh, you know, that- when you do something that serious, we get a discrepancy... 'cause this came up negative. We put your voice print through the lie-detector, it came up negative. That's a big no-no on the 10-45-0-9er... code 6 section 7... of course, you wouldn't be familiar with that, now, would you, Jenny Chay? ...could I speak to your brother please?
Quan's Sister: Can I- Can I have your number? I'll call you back.
John Dandell: Uhh, yeah you can have my number, but I need to speak to him now. This is very important you put him on, because, according to this person, he's been making crank calls and I need to talk to him.
Quan's Sister: (off phone) (incoherant) (on phone) And this is very late already, okay-
John Dandell: Yeah, I realize that. That's why I have to get this solved. That's why we have to get this, uhh-
Quan: Hello?
John Dandell: Yeah, uhh, we put her voice print through the computer here..
Quan: Uh-huh?
John Dandell: And it came up negative. And I know you swore to the great God and everything, but that's- it came up negative, so I don't know what the story is...
Quan: So you they lying then?
John Dandell: we- yeah. But she came up negative.
Quan: Nega- negative. That means she's not-
John Dandell: That means she came up as a lie.
Quan: She came up as-
John Dandell: Well, I'm gonna have to get both you on the phone together. Uhh, okay, 'cause we're gonna have to settle this right here, right now.
Quan: Okay, you do that.
John Dandell: Okay, I'm gonna- I'm gonna call and see if I can find the operator, too.
Quan: Okay.
John Dandell: Uhh, do you know the operator's name?
Quan: Naw...
John Dandell: Alright. Uhh, well I'm gonna get in touch with, uhh, at least, uhh, Matt. Matt Cheddar, and get him on the line, and I'll- at least, then I can computer to determine who's telling the truth and so on. Okay?
Quan: Okay.
John Dandell: You agree to that.
Quan: Yes.
John Dandell: That's fair? Alright.
Quan: Yes
John Dandell: I'll call you back, then?
Quan: Alright.
John Dandell: Answer your phone.
Quan: Okay.
John Dandell: 'Cause if you don't answer the phone, we'll have to come down there.
Quan: Okay.
John Dandell: And, uhh, I know you don't want to do that. I know I don't want to do that. You know, I know coo-coo the clown don't wanna to that. No one wants to do that.
Quan: Okay.
John Dandell: Alright.
Quan: Okay.
John Dandell: Okay.
Quan: Please call.
John Dandell: Alright.
Quan: Okay, bye-bye.
[music: T.U.R.T.L.E. Power - short clip]
[phone rings once]
Quan: Hello?
John Dandell: Hello, is this Tam?
Quan: Yes.
John Dandell: Alright, I've- uhh, I've got Joana on the line. She was the operator you talked to. Uhh...
Quan: Uh-huh?
Joana: Hello?
Quan: Yes?
Joana: Yes, h- hi...
Quan: Yes?
Joana: How are ya?
Quan: Yeah, I'm fine.
Joana: Yeah, I just talked to him. He called me,uhh, because- (stutters incoherantly) What happened here is that that kid said that, uh, that you had called him.
Quan: Yeah...
Joana: Yeah, I told him that- that wasn't true at all.
Quan: Yeah, now you- the cop knows y-
Matt Cheddar: That's a lie. He called me. He called me. You called me!
Quan: See how he changed his voice, operator?
Joana: Yeah, I- I told him that, but this officer here, I don't know who- he's having a hard time-
John Dandell: Well, yeah, that's 'cause I didn't hear what was going on, okay? I just wanna get everyone on the line here so we can find out exactly what the, uhh, the deal is.
Quan: Okay...
John Dandell: Alright, so- so what- let me hear your story of it first, uh, Matt. What's your story?
Matt Cheddar: Well, I was here, and, umm... and I was just watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, 'cause, you know, I like Master Shredder, and, umm, then all of a sudden I get a collect call. And he's like calling me saying, umm, 'collect call from South Vietnam' and then he started, like, making gun noises and stuff. And then I hung up, and then, umm, I got a call again in a little bit, and umm, it was, like, him again, and saying it was a collect call, and I hung up again and he called me again and he said he was- he was Master Shredder. And I know he's not Master Shredder because I watched that on the TV show, and that's a cartoon character. And he said he was a ninja, and that he was gonna kill me, and, you know, all that stuff. 'cause I would never make crank calls at all.
Joana: That's a lie. Umm, officer, I know that's a-
John Dandell: Now, hold on here! Let's not- Okay, I just wanna hear the stories, okay, now what- what's your version Tam?
Quan: The first time he called me, right? It's my- my sister answered it, right?
John Dandell: Uh-huh.
Quan: And then the operator told me that, uh, 'do you want, uh, to put on the line?' and my sister just hanged up. And the second time, my sister hanged up-
Matt Cheddar: I didn't talk to any girls! He's lying!
Quan: And then the thir- the third time-
Matt Cheddar: You're a liar! I didn't talk to any girls! Liar! Freak!
Quan: He asked the operator-
John Dandell: Look, shut up! uhh, Matt! Because if you don't shut up, I'm gonna bring you in here, okay?
Quan: You could tell-
Matt Cheddar: sorry...
Quan: Why don't you just- why don't you just bring him in so I can talk 'bout face to face?
John Dandell: Hold on, here. Let's not get violent, here. Le-
Matt Cheddar: Yeah, you talk to me face-to-face! What are you gonna do? Huh? Attack me with your ninja sword?? Ninja master, chin-kong-chow!!
John Dandell: Hey! Hey!
Quan: See how he's playing around with me?
John Dandell: Matt!? Matt!?
Quan: You can tell he's lying!
Matt Cheddar: What?
John Dandell: Yo- a word outta you like that again, I'm gonna bring you in. You wanna spend the night in jail?
Matt Cheddar: No...
Quan: See? He-
John Dandell: Okay, you wanna spend the night in jail, Matt- yeah. I hear him, okay. I'm beginning- I'm beginning to slightly tend my beliefs toward your side, Tam. Uhh, uhh-
Quan: He keep on crank calling me.(incoherant)
John Dandell: Okay, so continue- continue on with the story. Now, what happened here?
Quan: And then- and then, the third- and then the third time, he was playing around with me. He was- he was saying that, 'Oh, I'm a ninja master. I will try and kill you'-
Matt Cheddar: No, he said- he said he was a ninja master! he said he was Master Shredder!
Quan: That's what he say to me-
Matt Cheddar: No, that's what you said to me! You're a liar! You're a liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!-
Quan: (incoherant arguing)
Matt Cheddar: I'm not gonna listen to your lie-
John Dandell: Shut up, now! This is ridiculous! Now listen, Matt, I'm telling you to be quiet! Let me hear to the man's story!
Quan: And that was it, he was playing around with me. And then the operator came back through on the line-
Joana: Yeah, I was there. I was on the-
Quan: (incoherant) he was playing around with me-
Joana: Yeah, he was becau-
Quan: The operator asked him how ond he was, and he said he's 900 years old.
Joana: Yeah, that's true. That's-
John Dandell: Now, what happened with that, now?
Matt Cheddar: Uh, that's what he said to me! I was on, and I said, 'listen, you're obviously not very old' and he said, "I am-"
Master Shredder: 900 years old-
Matt Cheddar: He did a voice-
Quan: Hey! Hey! See that! Hey operator! You hear the voice?
Joana: Yeah, I heard something- I think I heard something there...
Quan: That's the same voice he did! That's the same voice he did on the line!
John Dandell: Oh, now, what now?
Quan: Di- tell him to do the voice again!
Matt Cheddar: What voice? I didn't hear any voice!
Quan: You see how he's lying?
Matt Cheddar: I didn't do anything!
Quan: You did the voice!
John Dandell: Now, I don't know, I didn't really hear. Now, what happened there? Operator?
Joana: Yeah, he did- he did some voice. I heard it, that's what he did when he had told originally- I asked him, 'what's your na-ame?' and, uh, he had said, like, 'Master Shredder' in some voice. Uh, ask him to do it again.
John Dandell: Matt!?
Matt Cheddar: What?
John Dandell: Can you, uh- can you do that- that voice again?
Matt Cheddar: I didn't do any voice! He's lying! He did it! He did it!
Quan: You know he's lying, man... I don't really-
Master Shredder: I am Master Shredder!
Quan: See? See?
John Dandell: What? Who was that, now?Who was that?
Quan: That was him!
John Dandell: Was that you or him?
Quan: That was him!
John Dandell: I can't tell.
Quan: That was him!
John Dandell: Uh, operator, who was tha-
Joana: I'm telling you that was- that was the kid, Matt.
Quan: See? That-
Joana: Matt, do the voice again.
Matt Cheddar: I didn't do it! That wasn't me! I was talking at the same time! He's lying!! He's lying!
Quan: See? He's- You could tell by his voice. He's just a little kid. He's playing around-
John Dandell: How old are you, Matt?
Matt Cheddar: I'm... I'm 24...
Quan: twen- 24?!
John Dandell: Matt, now come on! Come on, Matt!
Joana: Matt, I- wh- is that- is that his na-ame? Matt? Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Yeah?
Joana: Matt, how old are you really? I think he's lying, sir...
Quan: See...
John Dandell: Yeah, I don't know- Matt, now how old are you? You can tell me. I ain't gonna get mad at you.
Matt: But if I tell you how old I am, you're gonna not listen to me like you listen to him, and then you're gonna take me to jail, and the there's gay homosexuals, and they're gonna come and then do things to my butt, and then it's gonna be horrible, and-
John Dandell: Matt, stop! Okay? This is about a crank call! All I wanna know- Tell- Matt, did you do this call? Matt? Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Umm, I- no! He called me!
Quan: He's lying, man...
Master Shredder: (whispers)Master Shredder...
John Dandell: Loo- Who was that?
Quan: That was him! He made that voice again!
John Dandell: Matt! Was that you?
Matt Cheddar: No, it was him! I wasn't talking at the same time!
Quan: Look, I was listening! How would I woulda say that, man...?
John Dandell: Uhh... see this is confusing, uh, I don- I didn't hear the voice, so I don't really know. Umm... Uh, opera-
Joana: Now, I think that was him, the kid, Matt. Because I- I didn't really hear all of the conversation.
Quan: This is, like, totally ridiculous.
Joana: Yeah, it is. I under- I understand- See, this officer-
You weren't there. I- I heard it. I will vouch for this... This man, umm,
just received some crank call- I was only on for the second two, but, because
he was calling from the same public phone, and, uh, you know, I was on,
but I don't know if- maybe he's one of those computer hackers?
Quan: Yeah, do that.
Joana: A computer criminal or something? You have a computer, Matt?
John Dandell: Yeah, Matt, do you have a computer?
Matt Cheddar: Umm... I- I have a Atari 2600...
John Dandell: Yeah, but, you- do you do computer hacking, Matt?
Master Shredder: (whispers) Master Shredder...
Quan: See?
John Dandell: Alright, who did that?!
Quan: See, that was him!
Matt Cheddar: That was you! Liar!
Quan: I don't even got a computer!
Matt Cheddar: N- Uhh, you do too!
Quan: You want- you want-
Matt Cheddar: All Chinese people have computers!
Quan: How you know how I'm Chinese?
Matt Cheddar: Because you tallk like a ninja!!
Quan: I don't even know you!
John Dandell: Alright, Matt! Both of you calm down! Lets stop this fighting. Silence the violence, okay... umm, okay. Who did that voice, here?
Quan: That was him! I swear to the God, that was him!
John Dandell: Yeah, he- he- Matt, he's swearing to the great God. So, you know, we have to take that into account.
Matt Cheddar: Well... I'll swear to...
Quan: See...
Matt Cheddar: The, umm... the Greater God! Greater God!
Quan: See, he's lying-
John Dandell: Now, Matt... that's not funny...
Quan: This is, like, totally ridiculous-
John Dandell: This is- this is getting to be- I- I'm beginning, Ta- is that your name, Tam?
Quan: Yes- No! My name- My name is Quan. I'm speaking for my father.
John Dandell: Quan. Oh, okay. Okay. Because I- I'm sorry, I didn't know what your name was, Quan. I'm beginni- I am beginning...- I mean, I don't want to sound vice here, without a trial or anything, but I'm beginning to believe your story.
Joana: What do you mean, beginning? It's obvious to me. I mean, it's obvious that this kid-
John Dandell: Yeah, I understand, uh, Joana, but we hafta- I hafta- you know, I- I get a lot of cases like this every day, we have to take everything into account.
Master Shredder: (whispering) Master Shredder believes...
Quan: lo- lo- lo-
John Dandell: Who said that?
Quan: That was him! That was him!
John Dandell: See, I have to find out who's doing that voice.
Matt Cheddar: That was him! It was him 'cause he has a computer and he's doing the voice!
Quan: That was him...
Matt Cheddar: You have- You were making your comp- computer do it!
Quan: How do you know a computer could make that voice? (pause) See?
John Dandell: Yeah, how do you know that, Matt?
Matt Cheddar: oh...uhh...
Quan: That was him. You could tell that was-
John Dandell: How- How do you know a computer could make that voice?
Matt Cheddar: Umm... 'cause when he called me, he said he had a computer, and he- he said he could do anything with it. He was a hacker.
Quan: Can you hold on for a second?
Matt Cheddar: A ninja hacker.
Quan: Can you hold on for a second?
John Dandell: Uhh, okay, but let's get this solved here.
Master Shredder: I am the great Master Shredder. who'll cut you all into little pieces and chop you up. Then I will eat you...
Quan: Hello? Oh! You see? He did that!
John Dandell: I think... did I- I think I heard... did you-
Quan: When I said hello, he say he'd eat you-
John Dandell: Did you talk?
Quan: What? I didn't talk-
John Dandell: You know what you need to do is- see, I- I'm only hearing that voice by itself, that's why I can't tell who's doing it.
Quan: Uh-huh...
Joana: Well, the kid's doing it, it's obvious. I mean, you know his na-ame is Matt. He's doing the voice, it's obvious to me.
John Dandell: Yeah well, I can't just- I can't-
Quan: Even the operator believes my story-
John Dandell: I know the operator believes you, I mean I- I am a man, where, if I heard- See, it's just hard for me to- to believe that that kid can do that voice. You think that's his computer?
Quan: I don't really know what that is-
John Dandell: 'Cause that doesn't sound like him. He's just a little kid. Matt? Talk to me, Matt.
Matt Cheddar: Yeah, I'm a little kid. I couldn't do that voice! He's lying! How could I do that?
Quan: (incoherant talking)-
Matt Cheddar: 'Kay, I'll try and do it now. I'll try and do it now... (stupid voice)"Ma- I am Mast-are Shredd-are"(back to normal) I can't do it!
Quan: He's faking it. I- I am-
Matt Cheddar: (stupid voice) "I am- I am Mast-are Shredd-are. Chung-kaww... I'm Mast-are Shre- (back to normal) I can't!
Quan: Okay, ask the operator. Operator?
John Dandell: Alright. Now- now, why don't you try and do that voice? Lemme see how you sound.
Quan: Do what voice?
John Dandell: Tha- that sound. You try it. I just heard him do it, didn't wound much like it.
Quan: (cheap attempt at Master Shredder voice) Ma- Master Shredder... I will get you-
John Dandell: Whoa, wait a second... do that again.
Quan: (cheap attempt at Master Shredder voice) Master Shredder...
John Dandell: Uh, I don't know, there... it sounded a little bit-
Matt Cheddar: See, it was him!! you did the voice! Do it again!
Quan: No, I was- how come- ask the operator. Operator-
Matt Cheddar: Do it agai-
Joana: Okay, now that was not him! That voice was very- I heard it before. It was real deep, like- like a little rat... on the Teenage Mu-
Quan: Oper- hold on, hold on, uh-
Joana: Yeah?
Quan: Operator, are you there?
Joana: Yeah, it was not you. You did not sound anything like it-
Quan: Okay-
Joana: I think the kid's faking it. I think- I think he's-
Quan: Okay, oper- operator. Look and l- look at his voice. Who was playing around wit-
Joana: Okay, can we do them again- Okay, Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Yeah...?
Joana: Do- do the voice again.
Matt Cheddar: (stupid voice) I am Mast-are Shred-are-
Quan: See?
Matt Cheddar: (stupid voice) I will chop you like a ninjer...
Quan: See, he's messing around now...
Joana: Now, that's not the voice I heard... I heard definitely a deep voice-
Quan: That was him!
John Dandell: Well see, I didn't hear it, that's why I- I don't know... uh-
Quan: Operator, you know it was him, right?
Joana: Yeah, that's true, it is him, so- I know you have to take everything into account, but I think it was that little kid.
John Dandell: How old are you really, Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Umm... umm...
John Dandell: Matt... come on, now.
Matt Cheddar: Well... umm-
Master Shredder: (whispers) Master Shredder...
John Dandell: Alright, who was that?
Quan: It was him!
Matt Cheddar: It wasn't me, I was gonna tell you old I was!
Quan: That was him! I- I-
Matt Cheddar: It was not! Stop lying! (whining) Stop trying to get me in trouble!!
Quan: I swear to God! Right now, I'm at the bathroom right now!
Matt Cheddar: Man, you're at the bathroom, you probably smell like poop!
John Dandell: Hey!
Quan: See, you can tell by-
John Dandell: Matt!
Quan: How the- h-how the way he acts!
John Dandell: Matt, you're really- you're acting very immature!
Matt Cheddar: I'm sorry...
Quan: See? You could- you know he's crank calling me!
John Dandell: Matt, do you make crank calls with your computer?
Matt Cheddar: I ha- Alright, I have a computer.
John Dandell: Now, Matt. Why didn't you tell me you had a computer before?
Matt Cheddar: 'Cause it's no fair you get mad at me! He has a computer, too! And that's how he does the voices!
Quan: I don't got a computer, to tell you the truth.
Matt Cheddar: Liar! You did the voice with the computer!
Quan: Why you lying?
Master Shredder: (whispers) Master Shredder...
Quan: See? He did it ag-
John Dandell: Who was that?
Quan: He was- he did it again! He's playing around! Why don't you-
John Dandell: See, I can't tell! I can't hear you both at the same time!
Quan: Where does he live at... Matt? The Matt guy? Is he a- Is he in Florida?
John Dandell: I can't give either of your addresses to the other party. I've got to solve this myself, because whoever did it- and did- I don't want any fights going on, I don't want any ninjitsu, kung-fu, karatae going- 'cause I don't know who's a ninja and who's not, and I don't want any swords go- I don't want any bloodshed. 'Cause, uh, you know, uh- neither of you say you're a ninja?
Quan: No! I'm not a ninja
John Dandell: You're not a ninj- you're not a karatae?
Quan: No, I'm not even- I'm not from Japan.
Joana: Yeah, someone said that they were ninja... and karatae, and swords, and chop-kung-fu-chang. 'cause that was what he was saying, and someone did the voi- and I know it was that kid, I say... you know, I don't think it was, uh, Quan, because Quan- Quan sounds like a gentleman on the phone, and I don't think it was him at all.
Master Shredder: (whispers) It was Master...
Quan: ye-ah-
John Dandell: Who did that?
Quan: That was him!
John Dandell: Yeah... (sighs) I'm getting confused here. Alright, alright. Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Yeah? ...umm... I have a Commodore 64 computer... but it can't do voices...
Quan: He's lying, man...
Joana: Wait, why don't you let me hear them both again, I can tell... I just heard him... alright, um, I'm gonna listen here again, do-
Quan: Excuse me- uh, hello, police?
John Dandell: Yeah.
Quan: The cop, yeah. My parents are getting mad, 'cause- 'cause he- he- my mom is, like, fli- piss-
John Dandell: Uh, we'll try and solve this right now here. This is- I'm gonna let this- I'm gonna let the operator decide here. We're gonna listen to the final thing here, and see what's going on, alright? Operator?
Joana: Yeah, I'm ready. Um, just go ahead there, uh, Matt.
Matt Cheddar: Yeah...?
Joana: Just go ahead and do your voice the best you can do, and don't fake it, 'cause I'll know if you're faking, 'cause I heard you, and I'll know if you're faking, you better not fake with me...
Matt Cheddar: I would never fake, he's the one who did the voice! Quan did the voice 'cause he's a ninja- he- he's japa-china-japaneezie. And he did it, I know, 'cause- 'cause they all fight there in Japan. They're all ninjas. Everyone's a secret ninja and they don't-
Joana: Now, that's just ridiculous! Now, just, shut up and do the voice alright- Quan?
Quan: Yeah?
Joana: I apologize for that, I really do... 'kay, I'm gonna just listen to both voices here...
Quan: Okay.
Joana: Alright, do the voice, Matt.
Quan: Do what voice?
Joana: No, I'm gonna let him do the voice first-
Quan: Okay.
Joana: Matt, Matt, do your voice, uh, of, uh, the Shredder guy.
Matt Cheddar: Alright, but I'm telling you, it wasn't me. Alright hold on... (clears throat three times, pauses)
Master Shredder: I am Master Shredder, and I will kill all of you 'cause I am the great ninja-
Quan: That was him-
Master Shredder: And I go through- Oh, shut up Quan, before I go there with my ninja sword and stomp on your head.
Quan: See, that was him!
Joana: Alright, now- now you do your voice.
Quan: (cheap attempt and Master Shredder voice) Hi- my- I'm Master Shredder. (incoherant normal talking)-
Joana: We- Do it- do it longer! I gotta be able to hear it!
Quan: I don't even know what to-
Master Shredder: His voice cannot compare to the greatness of my ninjitsu.
Quan: Lo- look- operator, that was him-
Master Shredder: I will find him, and attack him.
John Dandell: Hey, wait! I think I heard the voice again!
Master Shredder: Of course you heard the voice, you stupid cop! I will chop you!
Quan: See! Look at him!
John Dandell: What? What'd you say to me?!
Master Shredder: I called you a pig! Gah-kah! You are a pig just like Quan is a pig!
Quan: (incoherant yelling)
Master Shredder: I will fight by the pig bacon!
Quan: Did you hear him? Did you hear him?
John Dandell: I think I heard something. I think I heard something. Did he call me 'bacon'? I think he did-
Joana: He's making fun of you, police man...
Master Shredder: That's right you stupid operator!
Quan: lo- lo- lo- lo-
Master Shredder: I will fry your flesh upon my great frying pan! And then Michelangelo, Donatello, and the rest of the Ninja Turtles will chop the police man, Quan,-
Quan: Hello? Are you there?
Master Shredder: And the stupid operator up, and we'll cook them all up.
John Dandell: This is ridiculous! Quan?
Quan: Yeah? Yeah?
John Dandell: Quan,-
Quan: Yeah?
John Dandell: You're under arrest. Because you're doing this voice here, and I can't take this anymore.
Master Shredder: Yes, you are dumb, all of you!
Quan: See? See?
John Dandell: Oh, I think I see!
Quan: Ah, you know it know, eh?
Master Shredder: Oh, shut up, Quan, before I chop off your legs at the great fate of Japan-
Quan: See?
Master Shredder: And make you eat them!
Quan: Yeah, cop?
John Dandell: Oh, I think I heard something!! Alright, I know it's him, Quan. Case solved.
Quan: So, I can leave now?
John Dandell: Yeah, the case is solved. We've got him on the line, we're gonna take care of him.
Quan: Okay-
Master Shredder: You will take care of no one, for I am the great warrior. And Quan! You may think I have been defeated, but I will rise from the jail-cell and come to your house, and I will perform ninjitsu on your whole family. They will be dead in the ninja way.
Quan: Hello?
John Dandell: Alright, I got that on tape.
Quan: You see how- how he's threatening me?
John Dandell: We got that on tape, he- he threatened to kick you like a ninja!
Quan: he- he trying to threaten me-
John Dandell: Wait- that's right! That's a threat! That's a ninjitsu threat! We got that down on tape!
Quan: Okay.
John Dandell: Alright, don't worry about it Quan, we got everything under control.
Quan: Okay, yeah-
Master Shredder: You have nothing under control, the great ninja will beat you all!
John Dandell: Hey! I've got it on tape again! You're just- You're just incriminating yourself, Matt-
Matt Cheddar: It wasn't me! There's someone else on the phone!
Quan: See?
Matt Cheddar: There's someone else! It's not me! I swear!
Quan: Okay, thank you very much, cop.
Master Shredder: That is a lie! I am the great ninja, I will beat up the little fifteen-year-old too!
Matt Cheddar: See, it's not me!
Quan: See?
John Dandell: Alright, I'm confused now. How many people are on the phone here?
Matt Cheddar: See, it's another ninja!
Master Shredder: I will kill all of you!
Matt Cheddar: See! It's not me!
Master Shredder: No, it is not you!
Matt Cheddar: Not me!
Master Shredder: Not you!
Matt Cheddar: Not me!
Master Shredder: Not you! It is me, Master Shredder!
Quan: See? See how he's playing around?
John Dandell: Yeah, I think we got this boy busted.
Quan: Okay, thank you very much.
John Dandell: It's another hard day here for the phone busters. But we solved the case.
Quan: Okay.
John Dandell: Rest in peace, Quan.
Quan: Okay, you make sure that-
John Dandell: You can live to know that you are safe in the city.
Quan: Can you make sure that he won't call me again?
John Dandell: We will make sure- We're gonna put him behind bars.
Matt Cheddar: No! It's no fair!!
Quan: Thank you very much.
John Dandell: We've got it under control.
Quan: okay, bye-bye.
John Dandell: Goodnight.
Quan: Alright.
[click]
Master Shredder: Master Shredder strikes again...
[click]
Blackout: (laughs)
[music: T.U.R.T.L.E. Power - full song]