Transcript of "The Quan Chronicles" A.K.A "The Quanicles"
Original Prank Call by Blackout.
Transcribed by Paul "Plastic Mustard" Howerton.
Characters:
Master Shredder (Blackout)
John Dandell (Blackout)
Joana (Blackout)
Matt Cheddar (Blackout)
Victims:
Quan (Yam Tam Chor's son, who is apparently speaking for his father)
Jenny (Quan's sister)
(phone rings once)
(sound of phone picking up)
Jenny: What?
Joana: South Vietnam, we have collect call to Tam, from South Vietnam, do you accept the charges?
Jenny: South Vietnam?
Joana: Yeah
Jenny: What's their name?
Joana: Uhh, I don't have information, um, Ma'am, we just have a collect call to, to Tam, from South Vietnam.
Jenny: Hold on, OK?
(Jenny puts down the phone and asks the people in the house if they want to accept the call, followed by some funky asian shit)
Jenny: No.
Joana: O.K, I'll put you through.
(blackout plays some warfare sounds as Jenny yells unrecognizable dialog over the noise. The noises die down)
(we hear the victim and her family talking amongst each other as blackout, out of character, says: )
Blackout, out of character: Hehehehe.........Hello? TAM? TAM?
(phone hangs up)
Joana: This is Southern Bell operator, I have a collect call from Master Shredder, from New York, do you accept the charges?
Jenny: What's the name?
Joana: Master Shredder.
Jenny: Master Shredder? (pause) No.
Joana: O.K. I'll put you through.
(A telephone tone is heard, followed by an ambient drumming sound from the movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles plays)
Master Shredder: Hello! This is Master Shredder!
Blackout, out of character: Hee hee hee heh!
(ambience stops, phone hangs up)
(phone rings once, pick up)
Quan: Hello?
Joana: Uh, hello this is Southern Bell operator. I have a collect call from-, to Tam, uh, from New York
Quan: Uh-huh.
Joana: He says it's very urgent, from a, uh-
Quan: What's the name?
Joana: Shredder, Shreddar?
Quan: Nah, I, um, I'm not gonna accept that.
Joana: O.K., I'll put you through.
(phone beeps, the ambient drumming starts again. I think it's Quan who picks up, although it could be Tam himself)
Master Shredder: Hello! Is Yam there?
Quan: Who?
Master Shredder: I need to speak to Yam!
Quan: Yam I am!
Master Shredder: What did you say?
Quan: Go fuck yourself!
Master Shredder: Oh, Shit! There was a day when I was cursed at, but never did I expect The Great Yam, to curse at me! But wait,
Quan(sarcasticly making kung-fu noises): Yoy, yah yah!
(Quan's family laughs hystarically)
Quan: Do not call here, anymore!
Master Shredder: What did you say to the Great Master Shredder?
Quan: I will kick your ass! @#$%
Master Shredder: I do not want to hear such insolence from you!
(Quan starts to laugh hystarically at Master Shredder)
Master Shredder: Now you will bow down before my powers!
(Quan continues to laugh his ass off)
Master Shredder: I will tear you into piece of sushi, and then I will eat you like a great sweet!
Quan: Do not call here no more..I will use my ninja master sushi! (Quan starts to laugh like hell again)
Master Shredder: You are laughing at the great shredder.
(phone beeps twice, ambience ends)
Joana: Hello, this is the operator. Ma'am, Ma'am, sir?
Quan: Yes.
Joana: This is the operater. Are you getting, Is this person bothering you?
Quan: Yeah.
Joana: Because, I didn't know, he keeps putting through, um, collect calls
Quan: He's just playin' around, cause, I don't really know him, he's just tryin' to make fun of somebody.
Joana: He is, you don't know this man?
Quan: No, he's just tryin to-
Joana: Excuse me, Master Shredder, are you there?
(the ambience starts up again)
Master Shredder: Yes, I am here. I know Yam! I must talk to Yam! He is great Yam!
(ambience ends)
Joana: O.K, listen, I don't want to hear any more uh, collect calls from you, because this man says um, Do you know this person?
Quan: no, I don't know him.
Joana: You don't know? How does he know your name?
Quan: I don't know, he's tryin' to make fun of -
Joana: You don't know how he knows your name?
Quan: No
Joana: Hmm. Excuse me, uh, shredder person, how do you know his name?
(ambience starts up again)
Master Shredder: I know his name from the great days of my great ninja training, when he would fight next to me, and we would battle together, the great ninjas. But now he has left me, to live in Florida, to bake in the sun like a big fried duckling.
(ambience ends)
Quan: See how he's playin' around?
Joana: y-yes, uh, I do. Did you used to fight with him, where you a, ninja?
Quan: Who, me? (Joana: Yeah) Oh, I can't believe you, you're listening to him!
Joana: Well yeah, I don't know I'm just an operator, were you a ninja?
(we can hear a woman in the background saying "He's not a ninja")
Quan: He's messing around, you can tell he's joking.
Joana: He's joking? I doubt, well yeah I can hear him he's doing some sort of a voice or something...
Quan: yeah
Joana: That doesn't sound like his real-
Quan: It's a @#% or something
Joana: Yeah it sounds like a fake voice to me, like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,
Quan: Yeah.
Joana: That movie. That's what it sounds li-Sir, are you doin' a voice, are you puttin' us on?
(ambient sound starts again)
Master Shredder: I am not putting you on! I am the great Master Shredder, I have called Yam to come with me to battle again into the night to fight the great ninjas.
(ambience stops)
Joana: Alright sir, this sounds fake to me. Umm, So you're not a ninja then?
Quan: No, I'm not nothing!
Joana: What is a ninja? What is that?
Quan: I don't know what he's tryin' to do, he's trying to make fun of somebody!
Joana: I know, I heard him! Shoeshine, cause we here, we can listen in on the calls sometimes and I know, I usually don't, you know, we don't listen in-
Quan: It was a crank call.
Joana: I know but he called like 5 times, like, Collect call, collect call, collect call. So I just thought, that maybe I'd listen in to see if everythings goin on. So you're not a ninja?
Quan: No, uh, if he calls in again, uh, just don't put me through.
Joana: Well if he gets me, there's a lot of operators, that's the thing, I mean but, if he's calling, if he's callin through the same phone he'll get me, but he calls from , you know, a different-
(ambience starts)
Master Shredder: I will always call and I will always get through, because I am the great ninja master shredder.
Quan: See how he's messing around?
Master Shredder: I am not messing around! You must come and fight with me, great Yam. We must battle the ninjas. Why do you.... dishonor your great brother?!
Quan: Hey, I'm not even from Japan!
Joana: He's not even from Japan, you, Master Shredder, listen I don't know, how, how old are you, kid?
Master Shredder: I am 900 years old! I have been on this Earth since the great days of dawn!
Quan: Go get a cop over there, or something.
Joana: 900 years old? I don't wanna - I think this is ridiculous, I'm gonna go get a cop over there!
Master Shredder: Bring the police here, I will battle them like I battle the great ninjas!
Quan: Go get a cop over there.
Joana: I'll take care of it, Mr. Ninja
Quan: O.K.
Joana: Don't worry, alright?
Quan: O.K. Bye-bye
Joana: Goodbye.
Blackout, out of character: HAAAAAAAAAA!
(ambience ends)
(phone rings once)
Quan: Yes?
John Dandell: Yeah I need to speak to uh, Mr. Chor, please?
Quan: Uh, can you hold on for a second?
John Dandell: Sure.
(sound of phone dialing)
John Dandell: Hello?
Quan: Hello?
John Dandell: What was that?
Quan: Excuse me?
John Dandell: Uhh, I heard some beeps on the phone.
Quan: Can you hold on for a second?
John Dandell: Sure.
Quan: Hold on for a second.
John Dandell: Alrighty
Quan: Hello?
John Dandell: Yep?
Quan: Can you hold on?
John Dandell: I uh, eh, uh, O.K., I'm calling from LoveDell,
Quan: What's that?
John Dandell: The phone company, you've had a crank call that you've recieved?
Quan: Yeah.
John Dandell: Yeah, I'm calling to verify that I need to speak to Mr. Chor or whoever it was who recieved the call.
Quan: I did, I recieved the call
John Dandell: O.K., cause I just got a complaint, uh, I got a complaint from uh, um.... Matt Cheddar, uh, Mr. Matt Cheddar-
Quan: Who's Matt Cheddar?
John Dandell: Uhhhhh, he said that you had been, uh, you had been crank calling him, you had been making collect calls to his residence?
Quan: Uhh, he is, uh he's lying, because I had never made a crank call on him
John Dandell: You didn't call him pretending to be an ancient ninja master?
Quan: Nah he-OH! He tried to do that to me!
John Dandell: What?
Quan: He tried to crank call me, he's sayin' he's a ninja master!
John Dandell: O.K., wait, wait, wait a second here calm down lemme, lemme, uh, OK this is crazy, now you say, that he-
Quan: Will you hold on for a second? There's somebody on the other line.
John Dandell: O.K., hurry up please.
(Quan clicks over)
John Dandell: *sigh*
(Quan clicks back)
Quan: Hello?
John Dandell: Yeah,
Quan: Yeah?
John Dandell: Alright lemme get this straight now, you say uh, he, that Mr. Cheddar, uh, Matt Cheddar, called you up?
Quan: Yeah.
John Dandell: Cause we just got a call in, and he was very angry. He said that you called him and uh, you were pretending to be, uh, one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? And you said you were gonna come and cut him up with like, your ninja sword?
Quan: Nah, he, he's lying, you can ask the operator, cause the operator, uh, he was, he was playing around with the operator too!
John Dandell: He was fooling with the operator?
Quan: Yeah, and he was fooling with me too, the opera-
John Dandell: He says you were fooling with the operator he says that you were asking the operator to sleep with you,
Quan: Nah, man, that's a lie, he's lying. What's his name?
John Dandell: His name is Matt Cheddar.
Quan: Matt Cheddar?
John Dandell: Yeah, Matt Cheddar. He said you called him uh, pretending to be Master Shredder.
Quan: He's lying, cause, he called me, like, like ,4 times today, at night.
John Dandell: He called you 4 times?
Quan: Yeah, at night! Around, around like 5 minutes ago, he called me like 5 times, 5, 4 times!
John Dandell: Because he said you were a great ancient ninja warrior.
Quan: He was, tryin' to say that to me! He said that he was gonna kill me, and, and, and stuff like that.
John Dandell: No......That's what he said you did!
Quan: He's lying!
John Dandell: Eh, are you making up this voice now, are you playing with me?
Quan: That's me!
John Dandell: I don't know, now.
Quan: This is my voice!
John Dandell: I hope you're not playing with me!
Quan: No, I'm not playing with you!
John Dandell: Because you know, this is very uh, crank calls is very serious stuff
Quan: I know that, I know that-
John Dandell: VERY serious stuff. I don't, you know, I don't recommend anybody do this to anyone else, and anyone who did that, I would, stick a carrot in their head.
Quan: Yeah.
John Dandell: Because that is a very bad thing.
Quan: You can ask the operator that question, though cause he said that he was, he was, gonna send a cop on him.
John Dandell: You were, you were a cop?
Quan: No. He said-
John Dandell: You're gonna cop on him?
Quan: No the operator said that he would send a cop on him.
John Dandell: Well I , I don't know, cause I got a call from him, I am a cop,
Quan: Uh huh.
John Dandell: And that's what I'm doin' here, that's my job, and I gotta make, you know, I gotta figure out who crank called who here.
Quan: Nah, to tell you the truth he crank called me, I could swear to the god.
John Dandell: You can swear to the god?
Quan: Yes.
John Dandell: The great god?
Quan: Yes. I did not crank call.
John Dandell: Yes, well if you can swear to the god, now, that's kinda, that's a different situation here, if you're swearin to the god.
Quan: You can tell by my voice I'm not playin' around. Cause he called me-
John Dandell: Well he sounded pretty serious too, to me, uh, I mean he was really upset when I got the call. Uhh, He didn't swear to the god, though.
Quan: I don't really know that, how did he know my phone number though, I don't even know this guy.
John Dandell: You don't know, Matt Cheddar?
Quan: Nah! I don't really know him, nobody in my family know him.
John Dandell: What do you mean he knows your phone number, he said you called him!
Quan: Nah, I really don't know him
John Dandell: He said that you pretended to make a collect call from vietnam.
Quan: Vietnam? I'm in Florida! How am I gonna make a-
John Dandell: Yeah I know that, I know that you're in Florida-Pfft obviously you're in Florida, I KNOW THAT, but he said you were pretending to be from uh, vietnam, making like war sound effects, and what not.
Quan: Alright, Lemme tell you the situation, right?
John Dandell: Alright, let me, why don't you tell me the situation.
Quan: Alright, the first time he called he said he was from South Vietnam.
John Dandell: Right, uh, is this the situation you're tellin' me now?
Quan: Yes, the first time-
John Dandell: Alright tell me the situation.
Quan: The first time my sister answer it, right,
John Dandell: Uh-huh
Quan: She said he was South Vietnam, the 2nd call, the 2nd collect, he say he was from New York, the 3rd he was from New York, and the 4th he was from New York.
John Dandell: And each time, he's doin' different voices?
Quan: Yes..No, I don't know!
John Dandell: You know, I don't believe that one person could fool someone like that. I mean, you would know if someone was doin' different voices, wouldn't you?
Quan: Yeah, uh, my first, uh, my first answer was my sister's, two times, and, and she hanged up. Then she say there was, uh, a phone number for Vietnam.
John Dandell: He says a girl called him too, because he got a crank call from a girl.
Quan: From a girl? Nah...he's lying.
John Dandell: Is your sister there, can she verify this?
Quan: Yes,
John Dandell: Can she swear to the god?
Quan: She's here!
John Dandell: Uh, lemme talk, what's her name?
Quan: Uh, Jenny Chan.
John Dandell: O.K., let me talk to Jenny Chan....(Quan turns it over to his sister)..........Is that like any relation to Jenny Craig, Weight Loss?.....Alright, nevermind.
Jenny: Hello?
John Dandell: Yes, hello. This is John Dandell, I'm with uh, LoveDell. Uh, what, you recieved a call from, um-
Jenny: A collect call fr-
John Dandell: A collect call?
Jenny: From South Vietnam. And I told the operator that I don't want, I'm not gonna recieve that.
John Dandell: O.K., besides from that right now, what do you like on hot dogs?
Jenny: What?
John Dandell: What do you like on hot dogs?
Jenny: What do I like on the hot dog?
John Dandell: Yeah. What do you usually put on it?
Jenny: What's the?
John Dandell: It's relevent to the case.
Jenny: Does that matter to you?
John Dandell: It's relevent, because he mentioned this, so it's, I have to know to tell if you're tellin' the truth.
Jenny: What truth? I don't have to answer this!
John Dandell: Oh so you're hidin' something!
Jenny: No!
John Dandell: Alright! Put your brother back on, because if you're not gonna tell me what's on hot dogs, here, then I think there's something to hide!
Jenny: Why do you need to know what I put on hot dogs, I don't understand, I don't need to-
John Dandell: It's a truth test, it's what we do here in america to see if people are telling the truth.What do you like on a hot dog? I'm gonna run it through the uh, the meter. My Lie-Detector.
Jenny: Ketchup.
John Dandell: O.K....hold on here, let me check this out, O.K., hold on here, run it through the detector....O.K., What do you like on hot dogs..........(Jenny talks to her family as "Dandell runs it through the detector")
(sound of toy gun firing)
John Dandell: Uh-oh it came up negative. Uhh, you're lyin'. Put your brother on.
Jenny: Who's calling? Can I have your name?
John Dandell: This is John Dandell, I need to speak to your brother again, cause we've got a discrepency here, and he swore to the great god, and uh, you know, when you do something that serious, we get a discrepency. This came up negative. We put your voice print through the uh, Lie Detector, it came up negative. That's a big no-no on the Ten-Forty Nine-Oh Fiver. Code 6 section 7. Of course you wouldn't be familiar with that, would you now, Jenny Chan... Can I speak to your brother please?
Jenny: Can I, Can I , Can I have your number? I call you back.
John Dandell: Uhh, yeah, you can have my number but I need to speak to him now, uh this is very important that you put him on because this uh, according to this person he's been making crank calls and I need to talk to him.
Jenny: And this is very, late already-
John Dandell: Yeah I realize that and that's why I have to get this solved. That's why we have to get this uhh-
Quan: Hello?
John Dandell: Yeah, uh, we put her voice print through the computer here,
Quan: Uh-huh.
John Dandell: and it came up negative, and I know that you swore to the great god and everything, but that's, it came up negative, I don't know the story is...
Quan: Then you know they're lying then.
John Dandell: *sigh* but yeah, SHE came up negative.
Quan: Negative, that means its not-
John Dandell: That, that means that she came up as a lie!
Quan: She came up as-
John Dandell: Well I need to get both of you on the phone together, O.K., cause we have to settle this right here, right now
Quan: OK you do that!
John Dandell: O.K I'm gonna call and see if I can't get the operator, too, do you know the operator's name?
Quan: Nah.
John Dandell: Alright, well I'm gonna get in touch, with uh, with at least Matt, Matt Cheddar and get him on the line, and I'll, at least then I can get the computer to determine who's tellin the truth here.
Quan: OK
John Dandell: OK?
Quan: Ok
John Dandell: Do you agree to that?
Quan: Yes.
John Dandell: Is that fair and alright?
Quan: Yes.
John Dandell: I'll call you back then.
Quan: Alright
John Dandell: Answer your phone.
Quan: OK
John Dandell: If you don't answer the phone we'll have to come down there.
Quan: OK
John Dandell: And uh, I know you don't wanna do that, I know I don't wanna do that, you know, I know, uh, CooCoo the Clown I don't wanna do that. No one wants to do that.
Quan: OK.
John Dandell: Alright?
Quan: OK
John Dandell: OK
Quan: Please call
John Dandell: Alright.
Quan: OK, bye-bye.
(intermission: Music from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie plays as we wait for the next exciting portion of the calls)
(phone rings)
Quan: Hello?
John Dandell: Hello, is this Tam?
Quan: Yeah
John Dandell: Uh, I've uh, got Joana on the line, she was the operator you talked to uh,
Quan: Uh-huh
Joana: Hello?
Quan: Yes?
Joana: Yes, ye-yes, Hi. How are ya?
Quan: Yeah, I'm fine.
Joana: Yeah I just talked to him, he called me. Uh, because, um, uh, what happened here said that kid said that uh, that you had called him.
Quan: Yeah he's lying.
Joana: I told him that was not true at all...
Quan: Yeah know you know, now you know the cop knows, you understand-
Matt Cheddar: That's a lie! He called me! He called me! You called-you called me!
Quan: See how he changed his voice operator?
Joana: Uh yeah I told him that but this officer here, is, I don't know who, he's havin' a hard time-
John Dandell: Plastic ass (?) that's because I didn't hear what was goin' on, OK, I just wanna get everyone on the line here so we could find out, exactly what the uh, the deal is.
Quan: Uh-huh
John Dandell: So what, uh, let me hear your story of it first, uh, Matt, what's your story?
Matt Cheddar: Well I was here, and um, you know I was just watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, cause you know, I like Master Shredder, and um, then all of the sudden I get a collect call, and he's like callin' me, sayin' um, "Collect call from South Vietnam" and then he started like making all these gun noises and stuff, and then I hung up, and then um, I got a call again, in a little bit, and it was like, it was him again, and he was sayin' it was a collect call. And I hung up again and he called me again and he said that he was Master Shredder. And I know he's not Master Shredder because I watched it on the T.V. show and that's a cartoon character, and he said that he was a ninja, and that he was gonna kill me, and you know, all that stuff, I would never like make crank calls at all.
Joana: That's a lie, officer, I know that's a-
John Dandell: Nope! Hold on here! That's not, uh, I just wanna hear the stories. Uh, OK, what's your version, Tam?
Quan: The first time he called me right, my sister answered it right,
John Dandell: Uh-huh.
Quan: And then, the operator told me that, uh, do you want to put on a night, and my sister just hanged up, and the 2nd time the-
Matt Cheddar: I didn't talk to any girls! He's lying!
Quan: And then the 3rd, and then the 3rd time-
Matt Cheddar: You're a liar! I didn't talk to any girls, LIAR FREAAAK!
(Quan continues to explain as John Dandell attacks Matt)
John Dandell: Look, uh, look, shut up, here, Matt, because if you don't shut up or I'm gonna bring you in here, OK?
Quan: Why don't you just bring him in and so I can talk to him face-to-face.
John Dandell: Hold on here, lets not get violent here...
Matt: Yeah you talk to me face-to-face, what are you gonna do, huh, attack me with your ninja sword? Ninja Master Ching Kong Chow?
John Dandell: HEY!
Quan: See how he's playin' around with me?
John Dandell: HEY!
John Dandell: Matt! Matt?
Quan: See you can tell he's lying.
Matt Cheddar: What?
John Dandell: A word out of you like that again, I'm gonna bring you, you wanna spend a night in Jail?
Matt Cheddar: NO!
Quan: See?
John Dandell: OK you wanna spend the night out in jail, Matt-I hear him, OK. I'm beginning, I'm beginning to slighty tend my beliefs toward your side, Tam. Uhh,
Quan: He keeps on crank calling me.
John Dandell: Continue on with the story, now, what happened here?
Quan: And then, and then, 3rd time he was playin' around with me he, he was sayin' "Oh I'm a ninja master, I will come kill you"
Matt Cheddar: NO HE SAID HE WAS A NINJA MASTER, HE SAID HE WAS MASTER SHREDDER!
Quan: That's what he said to me!
Matt Cheddar: NO THATS WHAT YOU SAID TO ME! YOU'RE A LIAR! YOU'RE A LIAR! LI-AR, LI-AR, LI-AR! LI-AR! I'm not gonna listen to you you're a LIAAARR!
John Dandell: SHUT UP, NOW, ALRIGHT! This is ridiculous, now listen, Matt, I'm telling you, be quiet! Let me hear the man's story!
Quan: And that was it, he was playin' around with me. And the operator came back through on the line-
Joana: Yeah, I was there, I was, uh
Quan: He was playin' around with me
Joana: Yeah, he was, because-
Quan: The operator asked him how old he was and he say 900 years old.
Joana: Uh, yeah, that's true, thats-
John Dandell: Now what happened with that, Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Uh, that's what he said to me! I was on, and I said "Listen, you're obviously not very old" and, he said, "I am
Master Shredder: 900 years old"
Matt Cheddar: He did a voice-
Quan: HEY! HEY SEE THAT! Hey operator did you hear the voice?
Joana: I think I heard somethin', I think I heard something there...
Quan: That's the same voice he did! Thats the same voice he did on the line!
John Dandell: Oh, now what now?
Quan: Tell him to do the voice again.
Matt Cheddar: What voice? I didn't hear any voice?
Quan: See how he's lying?
Matt Cheddar: I didn't do anything!
Quan: See?
John Dandell: Now I don't know I didn't really hear him now. Now what happened here, operator?
Joana: Yeah, uh, he did, he did some voice, I, I heard him, that's what-When he had called, um, I said "What's your name?" and he had said like, "Master Shredder" in some voice. Ask him to do it again.
John Dandell: Matt?
Matt Cheddar: What?
John Dandell: Can you uhh, can you do,uh that, that voice again?
Matt Cheddar: I didn't do any voice, he's lying, he did it! He did it!
Quan: You know he's lying, man, you-
Master Shredder: I am Master Shredder.
Quan: See? See?
John Dandell: What? Who was that, now? Who was that?
Quan: That was him!
John Dandell: Was that you or him?
Quan: That was him!
John Dandell: I can't tell!
Quan: That was HIM.
John Dandell: Uh, operator, who was that?
Joana: I, I'm telling you that was, that was the kid, Matt.
Quan: See?
Joana: Matt, do the voice again
Matt Cheddar: I didn't do it that wasn't me I'm telling you at the same time he's lying! It's lying!
Quan: See? See? You can tell by his voice, he's just a little kid, he's playing around!
John Dandell: How old are you, Matt?
Matt: I'm, I'm... twenty-four! Tw-Twenty-four!
John Dandell: Matt, now come on, come on, Matt.
Joana: Matt? I, uh, is that his, is that his name? Matt? Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Yeah?
Joana: Matt, how old are you, really? I think he's lying, sir.
John Dandell: Yeah, I don't know, Matt, come on, now, how old are you, you can tell me son, I ain't gonna get mad at you.
Matt Cheddar: But, if I tell you how old I am you're not gonna listen to me like you listen to him and then you're gonna take me to jail and there's, gay homosexuals and they're gonna come in and they're gonna do things to my butt and its gonna be horrible, I'm-
John Dandell: Matt! Stop! OK, This is about a crank call, all I wanna know, Matt, did you do this call? Matt? Matt!
Matt Cheddar: Uh, no! He called me!
Quan: He's lying, man
Master Shredder: Master Shredder!
Quan: LOOK!
John Dandell: Alright who was that?
Quan: That was him! He make that voice again!
John Dandell: Matt, was that you?
Matt Cheddar: No, it was him! I wasn't talking at the same time!
Quan: Look, I was listening, how would I have say that, man.
John Dandell: Uhh, look this is confusing, I know, I didn't hear that voice so I don't really know. Umm...Operator?
Joana: Uh I think that was him, the kid Matt, because I didn't really hear all of the conversation!
Quan: This is like, totally ridiculous, man.
Joana: Yes, it is. I under-I understand, see, this officer, you weren't in there, see I heard and I will vouch for that, this man, um, I just recieved some crank calls, I was only on for the 2nd two, but, because he was callin' from the same public phone. And you know, I was on. But, I don't know, maybe he's one of those Compooter Hackers?
Quan: Yes, do that!
Joana: A computer criminal or something? Do you have a computer, Matt?
John Dandell: Yeah, Matt, do you have a computer?
Matt: Um, I have an Atari 2600!
John Dandell: Yeah, but, you, you, do you do computer hacking, Matt?
Master Shredder: Master Shredder!
Quan: See!
John Dandell: Alright, who did that?
Quan: That was him!
Matt Cheddar: That was you, Liar!
Quan: I don't even got a computer!
Matt Cheddar: Uh, yeah, yeah you do! All chinese people have computers!
Quan: How do you know I'm chinese?
Matt Cheddar: Because you talk like a ninja!
Quan: I don't even know you!
John Dandell: Alright, Matt, both of you calm down, lets stop the fighting, Silence The Violence, OK. Umm, OK, now who did that voice, here?
Quan: That was him, I swear to the GOD! That was him.
John Dandell: Yeah, uh, he, uh, Matt, he's swearin' to the Great God, so you know, we have to take that into account.
Matt Cheddar: Well I'll swear...to...the, the, um, The Greater God!
Quan, sarcastically: The Greater God! He's lying!
John Dandell: Yeah, uh, Matt, that's not funny
Quan: This is like, totally ridiculous, man.
John Dandell: This is getting to be, uh, I'm beginning, Tam, is that your name, Tam?
Quan: Yes, -No, my name is Quan, I'm speaking for my father.
John Dandell: Quan. Oh OK, Ok, because I-I'm sorry, I didn't know what your name was, Quan, I am beginning I AM BEGINNING, I mean, I don't want to sound biased without a trial here, but I am beginning to believe your story.
Joana: What do you mean beginning? It's obvious to me, I mean, it's obvious that this kid-
John Dandell: Yeah I understand, uh, Joana, but we hafta, I hafta, you know, I, I get alotta, cases like this everyday, we have to take everything into account.
Master Shredder: Master Shredder believes.
Quan: Look, look, look!
John Dandell: Who said that?
Quan: That was him! That was him!
John Dandell: See I hafta find out who's doin' that voice.
Matt Cheddar: That was him! It was him, because he has a computer and he's doing the voice!
Quan: That was him.
Matt Chedder: You, you, you're making your computer do it!
Quan: How do you know a computer could make that voice? See?
John Dandell: Yeah, how do you know that, Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Um...
Quan: "UM" That was him, you can tell that-
(we can hear Quan's family talking amongst each other loudly in the background)
John Dandell: How do you know a computer can make that voice?
Matt Cheddar: Um, cause when he called me he said that he had a computer! And he said that he could, do anything, that he was, a hacker!
Quan: Can you hold on for a second?
Matt Cheddar: A ninja hacker!
Quan: Can you hold on for a second?
John Dandell: Uh, OK, but lets get this solved here.
(Quan talks to his family in his native language)
Master Shredder: I am the great Master Shredder, I'll cut you all up into little pieces and chop you up, saying "I love you!"
Quan: See! He did that!
John Dandell: I think, Did I, I think I heard, Did you,
Quan, to his family in the background: Wait a second, hold on a sec!
John Dandell: Did you talk?
Quan: What?
John Dandell: You know what you need to do, is, see I'm only hearing that voice by itself, that's why I can't tell who's doin' it.
Quan: Uh-huh
Joana: Well the kid's doin' it, it's obvious, I mean, you know his name, it's Matt, he's doin' the voice, it's obvious to me.
John Dandell: Yeah, well I can't just, I can't-
Quan: Even the operator believes my story.
John Dandell: I know the operator believes you, I mean, I am a man where if I heard, see it's hard for me to believe that that kid can do that voice, you think that's his computer?
Quan: Nah, I don't really know, cause-
John Dandell: Cause that doesn't sound like him, he's just a little kid. Matt? T-Talk to me, Matt.
Matt Cheddar: Yeah, I'm a little kid! I couldn't do that voice, he's lying! How can I do that? Here I'll try and do it now, "Ma, I am Master Shreedder!" see I can't do it!
Quan: Then he's fakin' it! I, I am-
Matt Cheddar: "I am Master Shredder, Chung-Kow, I am Master Shre-" , I can't!
Quan: OK ask the operator, operator?
John Dandell: OK, now why don't you try and do that voice, let me see how you sound.
Quan: Do what voice?
John Dandell: That, uh, that voice, you try it, I just heard him do it, it didn't sound too much like it.
Quan: "Masta Splinter, I will get you!"
John Dandell: Whoa, wait a second, do that again?
Quan: "Master Splinter"
John Dandell: I don't know there, that sounded a little bit-
Matt Cheddar: See it was him! You did the voice! Do it again!
Quan: How come you, you can ask the operator.
Matt Cheddar: Do it ag-
Joana: O.K., now that was not him, that voice was very, I heard it before, it was very deep, like that rat on the Teenage Muta-
Quan: hold on, hold on, hold up-
Joana: Yeah?
Quan: Operator, are you there?
Joana: Yeah, it was not, you didn't sound anything like, I think the kid's fakin' it, I think-
Quan: Operator, look at my voice and look at his voice, who is playin' around he-
Joana: OK can we do them again? OK Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Yeah?
Joana: Do the voice again.
Matt Cheddar: "I am Master Shredder! I will chop you like a Ninjer!"
Quan: See, he's messing around, now!
Joana: Now that's not the voice I heard, I heard definitely a deep voice...
Quan: That was him.
John Dandell: Well see, I didn't hear it that's why, uh, I don't know, uhh...
Quan: Operator, you know it was him, right?
Joana: Yeah, that's true, that was him, son, I know you have to take everything into account, but, I think it was that little kid to tell you the truth.
John Dandell: How old are you really, Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Umm....Umm....
John Dandell: Matt, come on now.
Matt Cheddar: Well, umm...
Master Shredder: MASTER SHREDDER!
John Dandell: Alright, who was that?
Quan: That was him!
Matt Cheddar: That wasn't me, I was gonna tell you how old I was!
Quan: That was him, I-
Matt Cheddar: That was not, quit lying or you're gonna get me in trouble!
Quan: I swear to god I'm at the bathroom right now!
Matt Cheddar: Man, you're in the bathroom, you probably smell like poop!
John Dandell: HEY!
Quan: See!
John Dandell: Matt!
Quan: You can tell by the, how the way he acts!
John Dandell: Matt, you're acting, you're acting very immature!
Matt Cheddar: I'm sorry...
Quan: See, you know he's crank calling me!
John Dandell: Matt? Do you make crank calls with your computer?
Matt Cheddar: I have, alright, I have a computer.
John Dandell: Now Matt, why didn't you tell me you had a computer before?
Matt Cheddar: Because it's no fair, you get mad at me. He has a computer, too, that's how he does the voices!
Quan: I don't got a computer to tell you the truth.
Matt Cheddar: Liar! You do the voice, with the computer!
Quan: Why are you lying?
Master Shredder: Master Shredder.
Quan: See he did it!
John Dandell: Who did that?
Quan: He did it again! He's playing around, why don't you, why-
John Dandell: See, I can't tell, I can't hear you both at the same time!
Quan: Where does he live at, Matt, the Matt guy, is he in Florida?
John Dandell: I can't give either of your addresses to the other party, I've gotta solve this myself, because, whoever did it, did it, cause I don't want any fights goin on, I don't want any ninjitsu, kung-fu, kar-a-tay, goin on, cuz you know I don't know who's a ninja and who's not cause I don't want any swords, goin on, I don't want any bloodshed. Cause uh, you know, neither of you say you're a ninja?
Quan: no, I'm not -
John Dandell: You're not a ninja, you're not a kar-a-tay?
Quan: No, I'm not even, I'm not Japan!
Joana: Yes, someone said that they were a ninja, a kar-a-tay, and swords, and chop-kung-fu ching. Because that's what he was saying and someone did that voice, and I know it was that kid, I'll say, cause I don't think it was Quan, because Quan sounds like a gentlemen on the phone, and I don't think it was him at all.
Master Shredder: It was Master!
John Dandell: Who did that?
Quan: That was him!
John Dandell: Yeah, *sigh*, I'm confused here. Alright, alright, Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Yeah? Um, I have a commodore 64 computer, but it can't do voices!
Quan: He's lying, man.
Joana: Wait, why don't you let me hear them both again, I can tell, I just heard him. Alright, I'm gonna listen here, again-
Quan: Excuse me, hello, police?
John Dandell: Yeah?
Quan: the cop, yes, my parents are getting mad, cause, he, my mom is like-
John Dandell: Uh, we'll try and solve this right now here, this is, I'm gonna let the operator decide here, we're gonna listen to the, final thing here and see what's goin' on, alright. Operator?
Joana: Yeah, I'm ready, just go ahead, there, uh, Matt?
Matt Cheddar: Yeah?
Joana: Just go ahead and do your voice, the best that you can do, and don't fake it, cause I know if you're fakin', cause I heard it, and I know if you're fakin', you better not fake with me!
Matt Cheddar: I would never fake, he's the one who did the voice, Quan did the voice, because he's a ninja, he's, he's Japa-tiny japanesey, and he did it, I know because they all fight there in Japan, they're all ninjas, everyone's a secret ninja, and they don't-
Joana: Now that's just ridiculous! Now just shut up and do the voice, alright? Quan?
Quan: Yes?
Joana: I apologize for that, I really do. OK, I'm just gonna listen to the voices here.
Quan: OK.
Joana: Alright, do the voice, Matt.
Quan: Do what voice?
Joana: No, I'm gonna let him do the voice, first.
Quan: OK.
Joana: Matt, do your voice of uh, of the shredder guy.
Matt Cheddar: Alright but I'm telling you it wasn't me. *Ahem*......*Ahem*.......*A-hem*
(that ambience again)
Master Shredder: I am Master Shredder, and I will kill all of you, because I am the great ninja, and
Quan: That was him!
Master Shredder: I don't-Oh shut up, Quan, before I go there with my ninja sword, and stomp on your head!
(ambience ends)
Quan: See, that was him!
Joana: Alright, alright, now you do your voice.
Quan: "Hi, I'm Master Splinter"
Joana: Wait do it longer, I gotta be able to hear it!
Quan: I don't even know wha-
(ambience starts)
Master Shredder: His voice cannot compare to the greatness of my ninjitsu. (Quan: Look, operator, that was him!) I will fight him, and attack him!
John Dandell: Hey wait, I think I heard the voice again!
Master Shredder: Of course you heard the voice, you stupid cop! I will chop you!
Quan: Look at him!
John Dandell: What? What did you say to me?
Master Shredder: I called you a pig, copper! (Quan: Did you hear him?)You are a pig just like Quan is a pig!(Quan: Did you hear him?) And I will fry you like the great bacon.
Quan: Did you hear him?
John Dandell: I think I heard something!
Quan: Did you hear him?
John Dandell: I think I heard something!
Quan: I was talking and you he was-
John Dandell: Did he call me bacon?
Joana: I think he did, he called you a funny policeman!
Master Shredder: That is right you stupid operator! I will fry your breasts upon my great frying pan, and then Michaelangelo, Donatello, and the rest of the Ninja Turtles, will chop the policeman, Quan, and the stupid operator up, (Quan: Are you there?) and cook them all up!
John Dandell: This is ridiculous, Quan?
Quan: yeah?
John Dandell: Quan? You're under arrest. Because you're doing this voice here and I can't take this anymore
Master Shredder: Yes, you are dumb, all of you!
Quan: See? See?
John Dandell:Oh I think I see!
Quan: Ahh, you know who did it know, don't you?
Master Shredder: Oh shut up, Quan, before I chop off your legs and grate them up and make you eat them!
Quan: Yeah? Huh?
John Dandell: Oh, I think I heard something! Alright, I know it's him, Quan, case solved.
Quan: Can I hang up, now?
John Dandell: Yeah, the case is solved, we've got him on the line, we're gonna take care of him.
Quan: OK, thank you
Master Shredder: You will take care of no one, for I am the great warrior (Quan: You hear him?) and Quan, you may think that I have been defeated. But I will rise from the jail cell, and come to your house, and I will perform ninjitsu on your whole family, they will be dead, in the ninja way.
Quan: Hello?
John Dandell: Alright, I got that on tape!
Quan: Police? See how he's threatening me?
John Dandell: We got that on tape, he threatened to kick you like a ninja!
Quan: He, he's trying to threaten me!
John Dandell: That's right, that's a threat, that's a ninjitsu threat, we got that down on tape.
Quan: O.K.
John Dandell: Alright, don't worry about it, Quan, we've got everything under control!
Master Shredder: You have nothing under control! The great ninja will beat you all!
John Dandell: Alright, I got that on tape again, you're just, you're just incriminating yourself, Matt!
Matt Cheddar: That wasn't me, there's someone else on the phone!
Quan: See?
Matt Cheddar: There's someone else it's not me, I swear!
Quan: OK, thank you very much, officer.
Master Shredder: That is a lie! I am the great ninja, I will beat up the little 15 year old, too!
Matt Cheddar: See, it's not me!
John Dandell: OK I'm confused now, how many people are on the phone, here?
Matt Cheddar: See, it's another ninja!
Master Shredder: I will kill all of you!
Matt Cheddar: See? It's not me!
Master Shredder: No it is not you.
Matt Cheddar: It's not me!
Master Shredder: Not you!
Matt Cheddar: Not me!
Master Shredder: Not you, It is me, Master Shredder!
Quan: See? See how he's playing around?
John Dandell: Yeah, I think we got this boy busted.
Quan: OK, thank you very much.
John Dandell: It's another hard day here for the phone busters.
Quan: Ok
John Dandell: But we solved the case.
Quan: OK
John Dandell: Rest in peace, Quan.
Quan: OK, can you make sure that-
John Dandell: You can live to know that you are safe in the city.
Quan: Can you make sure that he won't call me again?
John Dandell: We will make sure, we're gonna put him behind bars.
Matt Cheddar: NO THATS NO FAIR!
Quan: Thank you very much.
John Dandell: We've got it under control.
Quan: OK bye-bye
John Dandell: Good Night
Quan: Alright.
(phone hangs up)
Master Shredder: Master Shredder Strikes Again.
Blackout, out of character, laughs.
(The end, we get to hear the end credit music from the Ninja Turtles movie as an end to the greatest crank calls ever made)
END